There is something Lady Gaga should probably know: Madonna did crazy on Letterman in 1994, when the Queen of Pop cursed, puffed a cigar, gifted Dave with her underpants, and generally irritated the Late Show host so severely for 20 excruciating minutes, he screamed into the camera, "Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume... there's something wrong with her!"
Others have tried to do crazy -- Joaquin Phoenix deliberately made Letterman's show part of his I'm Not There hoax -- but nobody has matched Madonna's effortless insanity from 17 years ago. Lady Gaga certainly tried last night, though, striding out onto the Ed Sullivan Theater set dressed like a bat bikini model and chomping on a ripped-off piece of blue paper after she decided she didn't dig the questions. (When Letterman warned her the paper she'd grabbed, ripped, and chewed had been chemically treated, she briefly feigned death, then pretended to spit it out behind her chair.) Gaga also chatted about getting famous by being naked and chilling out in her egg-pod as she said the following 10 wacky things (we've helpfully included context, too):
10) "I'm Batman."
Letterman referred to the fact that Gaga was seemingly dressed for a scene in Eyes Wide Shut, noting, "You have a mask on -- does this represent something, or we don't care what it represents?"
9) "I've only put out two albums, this is my third, but I feel really blessed, I sold, I think 24 million the first two records."
Dave asked Gaga if artists can still make money selling albums these days. In his intro, Letterman noted the fact that is more likely factual: "She's sold over 15 million albums."
8) "I only liked the jacket so I decided that's all I would wear."
"What are you wearing? I mean, what aren't you wearing?"
7) "I used to flirt with everybody so I would get tips. Except it didn't work so good if they were on a date."
Gaga was explaining she was a "rather good" waitress.
6) "If you take your clothes off, it's amazing what will happen. Unbelievable."
Gaga was describing her early days performing downtown. "With my friend Lady Starlight, we used to do a variety show ... and we would wear matching bikinis and I would play my pop songs."
5) "Why are you asking me these questions?"
Letterman asked Gaga to confirm she'd once eaten a Barbie doll's head during a concert. She said yes, and when he doubted it was true she grabbed his questions, tore, and gobbled. Dave should have asked about that time she decapitated a Santa.
4) "I'm noticing that you're quite fashionable. Orange pinstripes with an orange tie."
Gaga attempted to deflect questions about her relationship status by complimenting Letterman's look. He is quite fashionable.
3) "I actually found it in the garbage on the way in."
Letterman queried Gaga about her styling, "Somebody put that little outfit together for you?"
2) "It is a place where I can meditate and experience rebirth."
Lady Gaga was of course referring to her vessel (which Letterman callously called "the egg").
1) "You could be the yolk."
Use your imagination.