If there's anything better than merely watching "American Idol" -- and, really, there isn't -- it's being a fan of "American Idol."
Why? Because no other show has wowed us with so many personalities and talents. We're thinking of the greats: Kellie Pickler, William Hung, Sanjaya Malakar, and three more we vaguely remember.
It's a proud record, readers!
This week, we've decided to look back in on the great David Archuleta, who damn near won season 7. He lost, because the vote was rigged, as usual.
But in our hearts, he won. Always follow your heart, readers.
David's first post-"Idol" album hit #2, but the next, The Other Side of Down, only made it to #13. Our video this week, "Something 'Bout Love," is from the second LP. As a single, it didn't crack the Top 100. His 2012 LP, Begin, debuted at #28, but, ominously, that was it.
Will "Archie" manage to get his once-promising career back on track? Probably not for awhile: he entered the Provo, Utah Missionary Training Center in March and announced that he'd be serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Reportedly, he's been assigned to Chile.
Well, Chile today, hot tamale, right, readers? Please join us in wishing young David all the best down in South America, and please enjoy this week's video and captions, too.
1 -- Is that gum on your shoe, dude? Hey, where's "Ant Jesus?"
2 -- The six-inch vertical set a new white man record!
3 -- "This trip to the Afterlife is great! Hell's a lot like Utah, only on fire!"
4 -- "If only Taylor Hicks were alive. He'd tell me what to do."
5 -- Newspapers are meant to be red! Do you get it?
6 -- And, just then, David almost had an idea!
7 -- "Hey! I just bought a bunch of bum wine, too!"
8 -- The Mitt Romney victory party was just getting started!
9 -- "Check out this new app that corrects history, David. You didn't even get a golden ticket to Hollywood!"
10 -- "Great Scott! The app that corrects history has improved on 'religion' by replacing it with 'nothing.'"
11 -- "This will prove Framed's readers remain pantless."
12 -- "Hooray! Viva! Like Pinochet, David has been convicted of no crimes!"