The AARP remains a powerful force in our society. They allow old people to drive and strictly enforce laws mandating "early bird" specials in most parts of the country. They offer tax breaks to seniors who accidentally run over children and they keep our medical establishment thriving by encouraging old people to visit their doctors regularly. Old people also own a piece of the music industry and insist on making music and releasing albums long past retirement age. As Randy Newman said, "Each record that I'm making is like a record that I've made--just not as good." Well, roll over Randy Newman and tell Paul McCartney the news.

Here are five old people who've recently put out new records for us to give to our grandparents for Christmas.

Joni Mitchell: She swore off the music business, wrote endless (and I mean endless) songs about how society sucks and everyone is corrupt and then she signs with the Starbucks label where they don't even let a lifelong chainsmoker like Joni light up

Halloween isn't just for people who like candy. For the record, I'm the guy who keeps throwing rocks in your bags! Halloween is also a time for the merely mediocre to rise to the level of demi-god. That's right! Nothing rescues a tired, confused performer better than some dry ice, thick smoke and loud, indecipherable music. Louder is always better. And it really helps cover up incompetence. Why do you think cable news people talk so loud?

Slipknot: These guys have to play with masks on because otherwise their mothers would find out what they're up to and put a stop to it. Mothers are often called upon to teach their children the correct way to behave. If Slipknot's mothers ever find out, there will be hell to pay! And then maybe their records will get better! Because mom will make them get a respectable producer!

Rob Zombie: Robert Zombie has a better career making movies. He loves all the details and creating alternate worlds where people bleed a lot. But his music is strictly b-list.

Hey, it's a GREAT holiday and one that was infinitely better when they sold those highly flammable polyester drawstring costumes with the plastic face and crappy elastic band that always broke just as you were sweating up underneath. You never looked like Batman or the Incredible Hulk but it didn't matter because all the kids looked just as unconvincing and stupid. And thanks to the old man down the block who always filled our bags with HEAVY ROCKS. You, sir, are the bitter old scrooge I can only dream of becoming in my old age.

In doing "research" for this blog, I discovered that Jerry Seinfeld and Bob Hope both have comedy bits called "Halloween." They were excluded from the final tally because their checks did not clear in time. Maybe next year. And it's O'Connor, with an O-R, not E-R. Thank you.

Misfits--"Halloween": Once upon a time the Misfits were this crappy little punk band from New Jersey that got played only on tiny college radio stations in New Jersey. And then Metallica

In order to celebrate this greatest of holidays, I've decided to follow in a great tradition and offer up "Five Great Halloween Songs" and then tomorrow "Five More Great Halloween Songs." Because I can't ignore so many of the great possibilities this great holiday affords me. Did I mention how great it is that Yahoo! is giving me this extra room to celebrate after the great job I did on WOLF APPRECIATION WEEK or whatever it was called?

So with my silly Kiss make-up on, I soldier into the den of ghouls or whatever you pagan worshipping slobs call it and I seek out the sorcerer's apprentice and brew my potion and sit back and kick out the jams for this very orange holiday.

Remember, Halloween, it ain't just a series of movies anymore!

The Shaggs--"It's Halloween": What was I thinking when I left these ladies off my "Best Sister Acts" list? I wasn't thinking, that's just it. My dad was right. I don't think. I just drive the car into the garage wall and...well, that's another issue