Bruce Springsteen's called himself a prisoner of rock 'n' roll, but on his wages I'd be a prisoner any day of the week. While some might argue that Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, John Ford, his manager and Rolling Stone magazine are the man's main influences, we'll stick here with his musical ones. After all, you can't hum a manifesto. Well, you can, but it'll suck.

Van Morrison: Morrison's music taught Bruce how to sing, how to stretch out and how to mingle R&B and soul with his own white bread tendencies. While Bruce eventually abandoned the difficult song structures of his early work for three chords and a paycheck, he never lost that guttural moan that says "I left my heart in the bathroom on the right."

Phil Spector: OK, kids, Phil Spector wasn't always a creepy old guy in a bad wig being investigated for murder, taking up all that time on Court TV. Once upon a time, he was a creepy young guy who forced women to sing in the recording studio with a "Wall of Sound" behind them. Bruce

In honor of this Iron and Wine dude with a beard that clearly belonged in the Best Beards category and his new album that just came out, I decided to create a category that he could win. Music is filled with sensitive souls who get highly upset if they brush their teeth too hard and their gums bleed. The singer in Joy Division killed himself because his LP copy of Iggy Pop's Metallic K.O. skipped and Nick Drake thought he didn't get the Volkswagen endorsement, so he took too much of his anti-depressant medication. (Did I mention I'm really into revisionist history? Not to mention outright fabrication!)

Anyhow, I decided to focus on people still with us. Guys who write songs written deliberately to make you cry. You have to be careful with this stuff, guys. With the right woman, you can make yourself look real sensitive. But if you're dating a woman who likes rollerhockey or NASCAR, don't under any circumstances break out music by any of these dudes. Your body will be found in a

Opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died earlier this month. While most pop music fans probably didn't follow his career very closely, his --and opera's--influence on pop music is unmistakable. For every great singer like Neil Young who once sang, "you were born to rock, you'll never be an opera star," there was someone, usually in the heavy metal field, who secretly dreamed of all that vocal power and bringing it to the people.

For those of you with no interest in opera, but who still wish to annoy your neighbors with lots of over-emotive bellowing, we offer the following:

Freddie Mercury of Queen: Freddie Mercury killed Kurt Cobain. Not on purpose. But, according to KC, Freddie's dedication to uplifting crowds with his sports arena anthems made KC's own career feel like a fraud. The smart thing to do would have been to join a Queen cover band and experience the thrill first-hand. But then there wasn't a grunge rocker alive who could hit those notes that made Freddie the Queen.

Rob Halford

There are many FCC regulations I don't understand. Radio DJs must identify the radio station at the top of the hour, that makes sense. DJs must either talk like they're angry hyperactive kids being denied their school lunch or mentally challenged stoners wigged out on Quaaludes, that's inevitable. But why there are rules governing what stations must play when the weather changes really baffles me. Every station depending on their format has their own mandatory list. Some overlap. These five are hardly the only ones on the mandatory list. Most stations rebel and only stick with one or two of them. But upon the first drizzle, they wheel them out, showing you that DJs don't sit in a climate controlled ivory tower away from the rest of the world--but if they do, THEY HAVE WINDOWS.

I could live my whole life without ever hearing these songs again. But then again, I also think the whole concept of rain is really dumb. Shouldn't there be an easier way to get water than to have it dumped on