List Of The Day
  • Pavarotti made a name for himself as a singer because he could sing. Sounds obvious and redundant. But there have been plenty of singers who throughout the past five decades while this scourge called "rock 'n' roll" has taken hold who clearly cannot sing and seem to flaunt it at every turn. Of course, it would be preferable if well-credentialed authorities, to ensure the safety of the listening public, carefully screened all potential singers.

    But we have been negligent so long that an entire industry has had to resort to computerized auto-tuning programs to ensure mere competence. If only people were forbidden from making music until they were really ready. Let's support a Constitutional Amendment banning "illegitimate singers" today.

    Each of the following singers has made a stunning amount of albums, has an ungodly amount of fans, and has at some point in their lifetime filed a tax return claiming "musician" or "singer" as their occupation. None of them will be confused with

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  • Five Opera Rockers

    Opera singer Luciano Pavarotti died earlier this month. While most pop music fans probably didn't follow his career very closely, his --and opera's--influence on pop music is unmistakable. For every great singer like Neil Young who once sang, "you were born to rock, you'll never be an opera star," there was someone, usually in the heavy metal field, who secretly dreamed of all that vocal power and bringing it to the people.

    For those of you with no interest in opera, but who still wish to annoy your neighbors with lots of over-emotive bellowing, we offer the following:

    Freddie Mercury of Queen: Freddie Mercury killed Kurt Cobain. Not on purpose. But, according to KC, Freddie's dedication to uplifting crowds with his sports arena anthems made KC's own career feel like a fraud. The smart thing to do would have been to join a Queen cover band and experience the thrill first-hand. But then there wasn't a grunge rocker alive who could hit those notes that made Freddie the Queen.

    Rob Halford

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  • There are many FCC regulations I don't understand. Radio DJs must identify the radio station at the top of the hour, that makes sense. DJs must either talk like they're angry hyperactive kids being denied their school lunch or mentally challenged stoners wigged out on Quaaludes, that's inevitable. But why there are rules governing what stations must play when the weather changes really baffles me. Every station depending on their format has their own mandatory list. Some overlap. These five are hardly the only ones on the mandatory list. Most stations rebel and only stick with one or two of them. But upon the first drizzle, they wheel them out, showing you that DJs don't sit in a climate controlled ivory tower away from the rest of the world--but if they do, THEY HAVE WINDOWS.

    I could live my whole life without ever hearing these songs again. But then again, I also think the whole concept of rain is really dumb. Shouldn't there be an easier way to get water than to have it dumped on

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  • Five Mother Songs

    OK, if we're going to let Amy Winehouse complain about her father-in-law, in fairness, we have to find songs to complain about mother. Now, as I've pointed out in this column before, when Fred Flintstone decided to become a songwriter he researched his market and discovered that people liked love songs and songs about mother. So that's what he did. These people took a different tact.

    Tex And The Horseheads--"Oh Mother": I get so many requests from readers asking for more Tex And The Horseheads that I feel as if it's my duty to mention them here. They were a struggling cowpunk band back 25 years ago and to think they're still going at it makes you wonder how many times a man can hit his thumb with a hammer and ignore the pain and bleeding. But that's what true rockers do! They don't sit around and whine about how bad they had it. They make their present day a living hell of long nights and endless tours! What--and quit showbiz?

    Three Dog Night--"Mama Told Me Not To Come": Randy Newman

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  • Five Father Songs

    With Amy Winehouse's father-in-law calling for a boycott of her music, you can imagine the great new material Ms. Winehouse could work up for her next album. Oh, the anger and the indignity! Songs about innuendo and the press, drugs and sobriety, weight issues and family relations, the list is long and mighty. If Amy decides to apply herself, there can't be a sophomore slump. If anything, she's been given the gift of controversy. Anything she sings will be analyzed, scrutinized, 24-hour Martinized! (A really excellent dry-cleaning process I must say).

    But when it comes to parents, not everyone is a natural born Sylvia Plath. So, should Amy decide to take on her stepdad, she can always sidestep things ever so slightly with a cover!

    Here are the five I would consider if I were Amy Winehouse. Though, last check in the mirror, I was sadly still me.

    Fleetwood Mac--"Oh Daddy": This is the kill them with kindness technique. No one would see this coming. "Why are you right when I'm so wrong?" 

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  • Though we like the September weather, we're not too jazzed about the foreboding vibe that accompanies the coming of Fall. We all know the agents of oppression are upon on. Shorter days, colder nights and school back in session. Homework, detention. Even those of us who haven't been near a school under court order remember and often dream about being back in school. It's usually the day of the test. I haven't studied. I haven't read the textbook. I didn't bring a number two pencil. In fact, I didn't wear any pants. Talk about unprepared. On the bright side, I seem to look exactly as I did in high school and so does everyone else. The ruins of encroaching old age have been eliminated. But it's going to be really tough walking the hall without my pants. Someone might notice.

    But here are five songs key to school survival. They speak the truth.

    Supertramp--"School": They rhyme "school" with "golden rule." Can't argue with that. In their day--the progressive rock of the 1970s--Supertramp

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  • Five Hero Songs

    The one thing you learn when researching "Hero" songs is how lousy most of them are. Heroes deserve our respect and adulation. Yet just as the road to hell is paved with good intentions, you apparently drive on that road listening to terrible, terrible songs. There were many to choose from. I decided to stick with the worst. So, while I've always been partial to "Jukebox Hero" by Foreigner and that one guitar that blows me away and I've always been amused by the advice given to "Billy" about not becoming a hero, I've instead turned to the dark side and chosen songs that involuntarily bring up lunch.

    Black Sabbath--"Zero the Hero": This is where you find the hardcore fans. Black Sabbath, not with Ozzy, not with Dio, but with Ian Gillan singing. Not as dire as Van Halen III with Gary Cherone, but there comes a time in every fan's life where they're supposed to throw in the towel and say 'Enough." "Accept the fact that you're second rate," begins this tune and while it's nice to see a

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  • If you've been keeping up with your Yahoo! news, you've read about the woman who belted the guy at a karaoke bar for attempting to sing a Coldplay song. Now I know all about irrational behavior. Especially when it comes to music. But Coldplay? In the wrong context, they might be a little dull and irritating, but a call to violence?

    Now I know millions of people love Billy Joel. Millions of people also enjoy running, so as a species we're an odd lot. But even if you love Billy Joel, you can't tell me you love hearing other people sing his songs. And there's just something about hearing a Billy Joel song being sung by someone doing it noticeably worse than Billy Joel himself that makes violence the only solution. I mean, you can ask that person to stop. But they won't. You must hit them. Hard. For everyone's sake, knock them unconscious.

    One of my favorite party games is to ask what is each person's least favorite Billy Joel song. This usually takes hours. Every time the game seems to be

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  • Five September Songs

    You knew this was coming. I warned you. I'm a man of my word and so few ideas that I've got to milk every threadbare, half-baked concept and hope to get it done before mom comes home and kicks me off her computer. Mama's looking fine today!

    So songs with the word September in them--not as many to choose from as I would've liked. Kids today simply aren't using the calendar to its full potential. Sure there's a band called Thursday, but the dearth of great "Thursday" songs is appalling. Especially for such a swell day. If I had my druthers, there would also be many more songs championing the wonders of daylight savings time. But, alas, I just work here.

     

    David Blue--"These 23 Days in September": Somebody clue this dude in. I don't know if his mom was trying to save money by buying economy-priced calendars, but there are 30, count 'em, days in September. But I like this guy, who also recorded as S. David Cohen. Even better, I liked the one review of this album where the reviewer pointed

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  • If you're like me you probably spend a lot of time thinking the world is rigged against you. And you're probably right. You watch these Top Chef, Top Model, Top Barber, Top Fashion Designer, Top HVAC Engineer shows and root for the worthy competitor only to have their fortune ruined by the incompetent, obviously paid-off, judges who award some instigating, obnoxious know-nothing the Top Prize. It makes you so mad, you write angry letters to the show's website and post a thousand obscene missives that eventually lead to having the authorities confiscate your computer.

    I briefly watched the VMAs until I realized that there was no one I wanted to root for. I wanted them all to lose! Why? Because I am angry, old and bitter. And because I could think of five performers right off the top of my head who deserved to win those awards even more. Remember if Jethro Tull can win a Grammy for Best Heavy Metal Act and Milli Vanilli can win a Grammy for Best Cheekbones and Hair and have it taken away

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News for You

  • Mom: RI theater threw out disabled girl over noise

    NEW BEDFORD, Mass. (AP) — A woman says she and her 5-year-old developmentally disabled daughter were thrown out of a theater during a "Beauty and the Beast" performance because the girl was making giggling and humming noises she makes when she's happy.

  • Deen says she used slur but doesn't tolerate hate

    SAVANNAH, Ga. (AP) — Celebrity cook Paula Deen said while being questioned in a discrimination lawsuit that she has used racial slurs in the past but insisted she and her family do not tolerate prejudice.

  • AP PHOTOS: The career of James Gandolfini

    James Gandolfini, who won three Emmy Awards for his indelible role as mob boss Tony Soprano in HBO's "The Sopranos," died while on vacation in Italy at age 51. While Tony Soprano was a larger-than-life figure, Gandolfini was exceptionally modest and obsessive — he described himself as "a 260-pound Woody Allen." HBO called the actor a "special man, a great talent, but more importantly a gentle and loving person who treated everyone, no matter their title or position, with equal respect."

  • 'The Voice' Winner: Who Did the Experts Choose?

    By Jethro Nededog LOS ANGELES (TheWrap.com) - NBC's "The Voice" will crown another winner on Tuesday night's finale. Season 4's three finalists - Daniellle Bradbury, Michelle Shamuel and The Swon Brothers - battled it out for the title on Monday's performance finale episode. Before the performances, coaches Blake Shelton, Adam Levine, Shakira and Usher performed The Beatles' "With A Little Help From My Friends." The Top 16 then got together for the second group performance of the night on Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros' "Home. ...

  • Cher credits luck for her lengthy career

    UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. (AP) — Cher is no stranger to tabloid fodder.

  • Palace sheds some light on Kate's baby plans

    LONDON (AP) — With Prince William and the former Kate Middleton expecting their first child in mid-July — and much of the world interested in the birth of a future monarch — the royals' office has released some of the couple's plans, although many details are still being kept private. Kate has made several public appearances recently but is expected to keep a low profile in the final weeks of her pregnancy. Here is the latest news about the infant who will, upon entering the world, be third in line for the British throne.

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