Screw Kanye West and 50 Cent. Let them both quit the music business. We want to see real battles fought. Maybe the E Street Band vs. Ozomatli. We want full-on fisticuffs. And here are five duels we might pony up to see on Pay-Per-View.
Robert Wyatt vs. Kevin Ayers: Now Wyatt's in a wheelchair, so I'm not sure how we smooth over this disadvantage. Maybe we give him a Taser? In any case, if they fight with as much creativity as they put into their songs, things could get pretty interesting. Maybe they'd wait until one of them falls asleep and then WHAP!
Charlie Louvin vs. Porter Wagoner: This wouldn't be Last Man Standing, but Last Man Still Breathing. They're both over 70. And while they're unlikely to match the kind of food fights I witnessed in the Alzheimer's Unit of the Veteran's Hospital, if they can motivate their road crews into helping out, things could get ugly once the dentures start flying.
Guns N' Roses vs. Velvet Revolver: This would just be a bloodletting--though it would have to be established that Axl use only guys who have played music with him and not hired more outside guns to be his militia. He's already perverted the idea of what constitutes "Guns n' Roses" (Creedence Clearwater Revisited anyone?). He must be stopped.
Tori Amos vs. Norah Jones: C'mon, who wouldn't want to watch two chicks hitting each other over the head with pianos?
Ted Nugent vs. George Thorogood: Anything that gets Ted to shut up is fine by me. Ditto for George. Both on my list of untalented idiots. Ted let me know he was smarter than me with the great wit of "Bridge Over Troubled Daughters," an idea he let me know eclipsed anything I'd ever come up with. And to which I immediately agreed. And then George who I offended by calling his catalog "cover tunes." But apparently playing the songs of John Lee Hooker, Bo Diddley and other old bluesmen does not qualify as "covers" in Thorogood's world. That's for "hacks" like Michaels Bolton and Buble. Such subtle distinctions always pass me by.