If you've been keeping up with your Yahoo! news, you've read about the woman who belted the guy at a karaoke bar for attempting to sing a Coldplay song. Now I know all about irrational behavior. Especially when it comes to music. But Coldplay? In the wrong context, they might be a little dull and irritating, but a call to violence?
Now I know millions of people love Billy Joel. Millions of people also enjoy running, so as a species we're an odd lot. But even if you love Billy Joel, you can't tell me you love hearing other people sing his songs. And there's just something about hearing a Billy Joel song being sung by someone doing it noticeably worse than Billy Joel himself that makes violence the only solution. I mean, you can ask that person to stop. But they won't. You must hit them. Hard. For everyone's sake, knock them unconscious.
One of my favorite party games is to ask what is each person's least favorite Billy Joel song. This usually takes hours. Every time the game seems to be over, someone remembers another one. On a personal note to one eager participant: for the last time, it's not "The Heart-Attack-Yack-Yack" song, it's called "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)" and while that part of the song should never be sung by anyone with more than three beers in them, it is still not as bone-chillingly murderous as the ones I'm about to list. But thanks for playing!
"The Longest Time": What makes this one so tough to take is that it always involves more than one person. It's one thing to have to sit and listen to one person warble off-key and screw all the words up, but this is one of those "doo-wop" type tunes that encourages others to chime in with their own "ooh-oohs" and "ah-ahhs" until it sounds like a football team trying to change a spare tire.
"Scenes From An Italian Restaurant": This song doesn't end. It's like a school play where everyone remembers a different part of the play and then argues over which part comes first. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH PART COMES FIRST! It's all unfollowable. Brenda and Eddie and whoever else, their lives are wrecked beyond recognition. Leave them and the rest of us in peace.
"She's Got A Way About Her": This is the one where you're sitting at a bar and a guy in a rumpled suit walks in and starts downing the shots two, three at a time. The neck tie loosens. He gets that sweaty look about him. He starts leaning in to talk. The women all carefully remove themselves from the premises and then he starts to sing. Every note is stretched past the breaking point. The girl that left him was obviously right to do so. You saw this coming. You could've left. But some masochistic streak within yourself made you stay for the carnage. Maybe you deserve this one.
"We Didn't Start The Fire": This one gets to people because everyone screws it up beyond recognition. People who profess to hate it go around correcting those who get the lists out of order. So you've got two teams working against you: the ones singing the song and those auditing the performance. When Dante was formulating his nine circles of hell, he might've considered adding a tenth one if he'd attended the office Christmas parties.
"Uptown Girl": Once this one gets in your head, it doesn't leave. "And when she's WALKING" is all you need and then it's curtains for any productive brain activity the rest of the day. Go home. Take a nap. Try to cleanse yourself. It won't happen. If you're lucky, the person singing it won't also try and recreate any part of the video and start walking like a mechanic with a limp. If so, quit. There's no working in that environment. You'll quickly shrivel up and become a shell of the person you once were. Medical studies prove this.