It's that time again! Time to rewrite the classics the way they should've been written in the first place. No more slaves to the obvious rhyme! No more victims of the three minute verse-chorus-verse-chorus routine! Completely unshackled by the ominous and oppressive forces of song! That's right. We re-write the songs as if Bob Dylan owned the universe. Remember that hot one he had about William Zanzinger? Man, that was wordy! Then again, all his songs are wordy. I've got an entire book of his lyrics and it's heavy. I mean, literally. The thing is an awesome doorstop. And some of the lyrics make sense. But only some. The rest of the time he's just making it up. And we admire that. (I also fear it's only a matter of days before I start writing in the third person. Help me, Norman Mailer! Help me.)
Ramones - I Just Want To Have Something To Do: "Hanging out on Second Avenue / Eating chicken vindaloo / which considering my weak stomach / isn't something I should do / it's really spicy and make me flush / and my gastrointestinal doctor says that may be while I suffer this painful bloating / and I should consider something higher in fiber and with greater nutritional value / though he hasn't ruled out / spicy foods in total / since some aid in digestion / and can lead to feeling better over time."
Joan Osborne - One of Us: "If you were faced with him in all his glory / What would you ask if you had just one question? / Maybe something like, Joan, why don't any of your other songs sound anything like this one? / How come all your other albums have these blues tunes / and this one has a catchy little pop hook/ that I'm sure you hate / but it made you more money than all the others combined / so how much can you really hate it? / But then it was written by the guy in the Hooters / who your record producer insisted you work with/ Turned out he was right / in a way / since it was your biggest hit / God saw it was good and made it so."