The Internet has been abuzz with people shooting links to a video clip that people want to believe is Meg White of the White Stripes enjoying a little non-drumming action. I've seen the clip in question and I don't think it's her, but rather an incredible simulation. And whoever it is can stop by and visit anytime. Just don't bring Tommy Lee.
But while some rock performers could certainly entertain us with their sexcapades, there are quite a few who quite clearly wouldn't. Within days of this video link hitting the Internet, similar mass emails started circulating with suggestions of drummers we wouldn't want to see getting it on with their fellow band-mates, errant strangers and/ or farm animals. I picked my five. Now, please go and do the same. And try to keep the unpleasant mental images to a minimum.
Velvet Underground: Moe always had a sexless quality to her. (Is that a guy or a girl back there?) And the Velvet Underground managed to play songs about S&M and oral sex without making them the slightest bit sexual. Instead, it sounds like love-making being ground out by machines. The perfect soundtrack for cybersex one supposes--as long as you equate an orgasm with winning a game of Pong!
Georgia Hubley--Yo La Tengo: Since their music tends towards the boring side, I can't imagine there be much excitement here. Especially since she's married to the group's rather bland guitar-player and frontman Ira Kaplan. If he approaches other things in life with the same range and enthusiasm as his singing, this could be sold as a late-night TV ad for the sleep-deprived.
Fleetwood Mac: Buckingham had Nicks. McVie had McVie. And Fleetwood got the band name. No one wants to watch any old dude. I hope he doesn't use mirrors.
Bun E. Carlos--Cheap Trick: Here's a guy we wouldn't want to think about even in his prime. Though I'm sure fans of "Accountants Gone Wild" treasure this guy's ability to, uh, "Surrender." Ugh.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: People complained that Clifford couldn't even play a drum roll without tripping over himself, so imagine if he were required to do something that required true dexterity. In the end, let's leave this sort of thing to the PROS, those plastic surgery wonders who help the rest of us feel worse about ourselves on a daily basis. Thanks, folks.