Yes, this could be a list of a hundred. Boys write about girls so often you'd think they were obsessed or something. But like my old man used to say, "Walk it off, son."
In choosing the final five, I whittled it down very carefully. Each song had to signify something. Each had to have the word "Girl" in it. And it couldn't be redundant. Only one "Stupid Girl" song could qualify, for example. And only one "Girl." The lack of any modifier made me nervous and it did seem a little obvious and like cheating, but then again I made up the rules and if I want to change them that's up to me. (Not unlike those credit card notices you get that say they can change the interest rate when they feel like it. Now that's a racket I gotta get with.)
In the future I promise to do five geographically located girl songs, so hold your fire that I didn't include "China Girl" already. Remember, I just work here.
Sexy Girl": One of the criteria I didn't mention at the outset was a song could qualify if it brought up lunch. This is such a terrible song that when I've sung it for people, I've been accused of making it up. No, they say, a member of the esteemed Eagles could never write something that embarrassing. I'm here to say, check again. He did.
Hall and Oates--"Rich Girl": There are those who insist on referring to them as Oates and Hall, believing the billing does not fairly represent the pecking order of their true talents. I'm agnostic. But you would have to be damn well an unfeeling human to not find yourself singing at the top of your lungs, "you can rely on the old man's money, you can rely on your old man honey" several times a day when the occasion calls. I sing it to my cat. He appreciates this.
Stupid Girl": Yes, it was a toss-up between Garbage and these old wrinkled crows. Personally, I prefer "Backstreet Girl" when picking out my favorite Stones putdown tune. But what strikes you is how often Jagger and Co. felt this need to put women down in their tunes: "Under My Thumb," "19th Nervous Breakdown," "Take It Or Leave It," "Mother's Little Helper." You'd think these guys weren't getting any.
Madonna--"Material Girl": I admire her honesty. She likes money and the things it can buy. A life lesson well learned, I suppose. I've found that a heated room is better than a cardboard box or even a parked car and wine from a bottle is better than the stuff that comes in a box. And, this is important: you can only borrow money from friends for so long before they catch on. Madonna even managed to make her own money, so she can date any ugly poor dude she wants. But she doesn't. Damn her.
Girl": Yeah, sure, the Beatles, Beck, I'm sure everyone has a "Girl" song they would pick first. But when Davy Jones, who was once in the Monkees, performed this tune on The Brady Bunch, he changed a generation. People of a certain age who were force-fed this awful TV show in endless re-runs know every word by heart. Some generations have WWII, the JFK shootings, even 9/11. My generation has this. Does this make anything clearer?