If you're like me you probably spend a lot of time thinking the world is rigged against you. And you're probably right. You watch these Top Chef, Top Model, Top Barber, Top Fashion Designer, Top HVAC Engineer shows and root for the worthy competitor only to have their fortune ruined by the incompetent, obviously paid-off, judges who award some instigating, obnoxious know-nothing the Top Prize. It makes you so mad, you write angry letters to the show's website and post a thousand obscene missives that eventually lead to having the authorities confiscate your computer.
I briefly watched the VMAs until I realized that there was no one I wanted to root for. I wanted them all to lose! Why? Because I am angry, old and bitter. And because I could think of five performers right off the top of my head who deserved to win those awards even more. Remember if Jethro Tull can win a Grammy for Best Heavy Metal Act and Milli Vanilli can win a Grammy for Best Cheekbones and Hair and have it taken away from them, then there is no reason why my picks couldn't have won for their respective categories.
I know you'll complain. You'll say things like, "But they're not even NEW." Or better yet, "I'VE never heard of them." Or "They didn't even make a video!" And you'll be right. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong. These award shows don't apply real criteria or logic. Why should I be forced to stick to some ill-formed rulebook? If U2 can win awards for songs from the same album for years at a time, why can't I vote a dead guy as "Best Living Artist"?
You support me and I'll try and help rig next year's voting to help you. I know people! Deal?
Liz Phair: Hands down, Liz Phair! She only has five, six albums to her name and only has been on the cover of a few obscure magazines. She put an album out a few years ago that some people liked and she posed practically nude. Very provocative. Quite timely. Run the photo already!
Best Old Artist - Bob Dylan: Bob Dylan. This isn't even fair. Everyone's so thankful that he's actually mildly engaged in his own career again that a vote for grandpa is a vote for yourself. Or as Dylan once sang himself, "It's unbelievable."
Warren Zevon: Let's just say he met the "cut-off" date. Check the fine print of the rules and you'll see he qualifies. And since more albums with his songs on them and more books about him have been released this year than the many years when he was on the "active" roster, there's no better time than right now to hand him this award. So, finish your sandwich Warren and join us in the Men's Room.
Best Not-Living Artist - Elliot Smith: So many dead people to choose from. So many legends. Nick Drake had a new album this year, but so did Elliot Smith and his was a double! So we'll give it to the kid this year. Presents for everyone. Next year, business as usual: Johnny Cash.
The Stooges: It was bound to be anticlimactic. You wait thirty-something years between albums and see how well you do. But the Yahoo! PR department is working overtime on this one:
"The Naughty Little Doggie, the Irascible Idiot reaches for the Skull Ring and Lusts for more than Life with this killer comeback packed with Avenue B innuendo and, yes, RAW POWER! Enter the Fun House at your own risk! The Weirdness has only just begun."
Who says I didn't have a future in advertising?