Notice it isn't a question. That's because I know stuff. You don't think those big multi-national corporations do anything without a five-year plan in place, do you?
Rest assured, everything is taken care of and will happen according to Clive Davis' plan. As it has for decades. (For a time it was known as The Word of David (Geffen), but Davis took it back.)
Just call me the not-so-amazing Kreskin!
10) Bruce Springsteen Will Once Again Reaffirm Aging Rock Fans' Beliefs in the Enduring Power of Rock 'n' Roll:
Bruce SpringsteenI have no problem whatsoever in people finding great solace in music. I do it everyday. But are Bruce Springsteen (and I guess U2) fans the only ones who talk this way. Is it because all his fans are rock critics? Is it because all his fans have given up going to all shows except for those of Mr. Boss'? I'm sure just as many people will enjoy themselves at a Van Halen concert, but they will all be too drunk to tell us. Speaking of...
9) Van Halen Will Fight Early -- And Often!:
DLR! DLR! DLR! Will Eddie and Alex come together to battle their arch-nemesis, David Lee Roth? Or will the brothers fight each other and leave Dave to distract the crowd? I'm putting my money down on a tour rife with strife! Someone call that $40,000 a month therapist who counseled Metallica and let him know he's back in business!
8) "Best of 2012" Year-End Lists Will Begin Appearing In September:
One of the big advantages of being part of "new media" is knowing stuff before it's known. Who cares who has the most thoughtful summary of the year? It's more important to be first! (Personally, I'm so glad all the new technology is making life so much simpler for us all. Is it making music better or worse? It's making it more!)
7) Pink Floyd Will Be Nominated For A Grammy As "Best New Rock Act, Male Vocal":
The Academy had a legendarily hard time recognizing a heavy metal band, so why shouldn't it get a little forgetful over when 'Pink Floyd' actually formed? As far as the Academy should be concerned, Pink Floyd did release fourteen studio albums in 2011! That's almost as many as Robert Pollard!
6) Jazz Will Continue to Be Ignored By Most Music Consumers:
Sad to say that 2012 will not be the year of the next "Jazz Resurgence." That's not happening until never. Don't get mad at me. I just report on these things. You, dear readers, are the movers and the shakers. If you all collectively go out and purchase "Jazz" instead of "Pop," I will respond accordingly and write entire blogs about Art Tatum, Charles Mingus and Edward L. Wilkerson, Jr. Because the people will have spoken! Otherwise it's another year of RUSH jokes.
5) Aerosmith -- not just Steven Tyler -- Will Be Everywhere Again:
AerosmithOh, they're threatening. Aerosmith have been in the studio with Jack Douglas, who turned the knobs on Toys In the Attic. So, it's only a matter of time before you start hearing their name, if not their songs (classic rock radio ain't what it used to be), everywhere. Articles will begin popping up because Aerosmith are a known commodity. So is Leonard Cohen, who also has a new album coming out. Look for them to tour together.
4) Adele Will Finish Up Work On 2013 Release '23':
AdeleFollow closely in the media this year and you'll be able to keep tabs on the progress of Adele's next album, which if it comes out in January of 2013 will be titled '23.' Fans can look forward to aging alongside Adele. You just need to know the necessary math to keep track. For example, I take the title of her next album and subtract four-and-a-half and come up with my age in 2013: 18-1/2!
3) Madonna Will Cause "Controversy" at the Super Bowl:
MadonnaEven if Madonna just stands on stage and sings songs without incident it will be considered "controversial." Why isn't she moving? And if she does move around -- as I predict she will -- fans and haters will go to town defending and mocking her performance. I can guarantee one thing: we will never again disagree on anything as we disagreed on Madonna.
2) The World Will End:
Even if it doesn't end, it will just feel like it. Just think another Presidential Election. Bring the popcorn. Just don't give any to the poor. Let them work for it, darling.
1) Justin Bieber Will Be Cloned:
Fact: Justin Bieber is very popular. Everywhere he goes, he makes young people happy and he makes his handlers very, very rich. It would only be prudent to have him cloned several times over, so he can perform in person all over the world at the same time. Don't you think your children deserve that much?