While others here at Yahoo! have given you the play-by-play,the highlights and low points and the grand analysis, I'm here to make profoundstatements that the average viewer would like to have said.
Everyone loves to hate the Grammys. Over the years, it'sallegedly gotten more painful to watch, but I wouldn't know, since I onlystarted watching it this year.
So my enthusiasm is HIGH! And no one can bring me down!
Let's relive that awesome night!
25) Someone IsSinging Too Many Notes To Aretha Franklin Songs.: When in doubt, blame Christina Aguilera. In fact, I think itis her. Someone buy her a muzzle. She's already ruining my enjoyment of thisfine program.
24) The Young LadySinging "Respect" Is Pretty: It says it's Jennifer Hudson. I liked her when she had a fewpounds on her and I like her now. I guess I'm a fan. My enjoyment of the showis going up!
23) Sade Is NominatedAs A Duo And/Or A Group: Well, this is a surprising development. I honestly thoughtSade was a woman. I need to pay more attention to these things. I'm starting toget confused.
22) Train Still Exist: I had no idea that Train were still around. Isn't that guylike 60? No problem, except he dresses like he's 25. He creeps me out. Doesthis mean Train still have fans? I'm getting baffled!
21) Dancing Is NotMusic: I don't mean to be a spoilsport here, but I'm watching a lotof synchronized dancing and I can't figure out what this has to do with being amusician. Man, I am old. Gotta reach for the Doan's Pills.
20) Janelle Monae HasCool Hair: Janelle's also singing pretty good. In fact, this wholething with B.o.B. and Bruno Mars is making me put down my sandwich and payattention. The Kids Will Not Be Stopped!
19) Justin Bieber IsToo Young To Be Out This Late: I really enjoyed that brief moment where Usher had his WoodyGuthrie moment and Bieber paid tribute to Bob Dylan. After that, it got kind ofgoofy.
18) JEFF BECK!!!!!: I didn't think he ever left the house anymore. Isn't hesupposed to be double-jointed in his back? Or is that Nigel Tufnel? You Decide!
17) In The TraditionOf Joni Mitchell And Ray Charles: Lady Gaga!: I'm feeling very "Back to the Egg" at this moment. Is Gaga ablind woman? Is that the connection here? I have to go to the bathroom.
16) Dylan NavigatedThe Stage Very Well For Someone Who Turns 70 In May.: I love the idea that someone screwed up and left a stand-upbass in Bob's way. No better way to check the eyesight and reflexes. Of course,he sings like he's having a colonoscopy, but that's the Bob I love. I like theidea that he's singing "Maggie's Farm" like he's a carnival barker offering tolet you spin the wheel and win a stuffed animal.
15) I Don't Like ThatThe Sex Pistols Played For the Passing of Malcolm McLaren And Therefore CaptainBeefheart Got Nothing: No "Ella Guru," No "DachauBlues," No "Ashtray Heart." No class. Malcolm McLaren is kind of lame. I'mgetting agitated.
14) Miley CyrusJoined Kings of Leon!: Very cool. Now maybe Kings of Leon will be interesting onceagain. Didn't there used to be four dudes in Kings of Leon? Well, Miley'scuter. She can play bass. I'm getting suddenly happy. The Doan's Pills areworking!
13) The Grammys AreLong: Maybe it's just my ass getting tired, but this really neverends. Why didn't I decide to drink tonight?
12) The Stage PatterIs Terrible: Someone hire Ricky Gervais. This whole circle-jerk isgetting pretty tiresome, since so many have trouble reading the cue cards. Arethey written in Braille? And the head of the Academy hasn't even spoken yet.
11) Cee-Lo Green AsElton John!: To hell with Gwyneth Paltrow. Those faux-Muppets (oh, thelicensing!) are pretty cool and Cee-Loo's get-up and his tune are pretty cool.My cat awakes from his nap.
10) Eminem!: Finally! A performance I can get behind. I like the factthat he doesn't like anyone there. I like the fact that he has that look in hiseye. I like that he reminds me of everything I liked about rock 'n' roll when Iwas a kid. He's like Holden Caulfield proving everyone else is a phony. Smilingis for suckers!
9) Esperanza SpaldingJust Stuck A Dagger Into Justin Bieber's Heart: Someone hardly anyone has heard of (not me, that's for sure)just won Best New Artist. Bieber is not a gracious loser. Will Smith needs tosmack this kid in the head and tell him it's because he sucks.
8) Mick JaggerTributes Solomon Burke: Awesome. At 67, Mick Jagger can still outrun my lazy butt.He really should have gained about ten pounds in tribute to Solomon Burke.Don't they feed Mick anymore at the rest home? I think we need to have aninvestigation here. I've heard that a Rolling Stone gather no moss, but gatherabsolutely no weight? Amazing!
7) Al Bell WasShuttled To The Commercial Break: Don't you love it when a music legend gets less play WillSmith?
6) Barbra Streisand: Just one man's opinion. I know she's beloved, absolutelybeloved, by millions, but, man, this woman is my personal antichrist.
5) Eminem Wins AnAward: Finally, Em wins something! He single-handedly saves Detroit! Does he have aKey to the City? Do they even need a Key to the City? I love you, Detroit. I do! Thanks forall the great musicians!
4) Lady Antebellum: What good-looking kids, but why are they winning so manyawards?
3) ArcadeFire: For a band, I'm indifferent to, it's not terrible. I likeMaureen Tucker on drums and the guys riding bicycles (much better thandancing). The light show is an epileptic's nightmare. Has anyone thought tocheck on Neil Young?
2) ArcadeFire - Album of the Year!: It's A Canadian Takeover! And it's not Bieber. Quick,someone get Justin to a safe room before his face freezes into a permanentpout! Crap, does this mean we're going to have to sing "Oh Canada" beforeevery ballgame now? I stopped watching teams from Toronto for this very reason.
1) You Perform At TheGrammys, You Win The Grammy!: Looks like all theusual rules are in place as Arcade Fire perform another song. My cat doesn'tlike this one bit.