Every year I make 10 new predictions for what's going to happen and every year I'm about as accurate as the weatherman. Fifty percent chance of a foot of snow or a chance of rain, what's the difference? It's all weather, isn't it?
But what the heck? Ten more things that have to happen in 2010...
10) You Will Continue To Write 2009 On Your Checks For At Least Three Months Into The New Year.
Obvious? Yes. This goes without saying. Everytime you get used to a year, they change it on you.
9) The Music Industry Will Continue To Find New Ways Of Becoming Irrelevant.
It takes an incredible amount of talent to do this. People genuinely want to like music. But between promoting worthless novelty acts and overpricing the legal access to it (anyone want to buy an $18 CD?), the music industry seems determined to destroy whatever remaining interest you may have in it. Even Major League Baseball isn't this dumb. And that's going some.
8) The Rolling Stones Will Still Not Retire. But It Will Be Impossible To Tell.
Who can even tell if these guys are still trying? Sure, they signed another album deal, but that only means we're likely to get another live album and tons of "Re-mastered" but unimproved reissues.
7) Adam Lambert Will Hire A Certain Y! Music Blogger As A Career Counselor And Be On The Right Track.
From what I'm told, this Lambert guy is no fool. He'll figure out who has his best interests at heart. It takes a fan who understands an artist's appeal to help that artist maintain their success. A fan can answer the question of what it is a fan expects from an artist. Even if the fan can't write the actual songs, he or she can do the makeup. (Hint: It isn't me or Mr. Kordosh.)
6) Your FaceBook Friends Will Find New Ways To Annoy You Without Even Trying.
Just when you think your "friends" have updated you to the point of inanity, they'll come up with a new way to update you with something else you don't care about. If not, FaceBook itself will find a way to update you on whatever it is they're doing. Even if it means letting you know they're not doing anything at all.
5) There Will Be At Least Ten New Bands You Don't Care About That Will Cause You To Question Whether or Not You Are Still "With It."
As you get older, you sometimes wonder if you've lost your interest in music, if you've turned into your parents. Well, some of you have. Some of us, however, simply, never like much of what everyone else likes. I didn't like the Faith No More in 1990, but it didn't mean I didn't like music. Look on the bright side, if the end of the world hits in 2012, none of this will matter anyhow!
4) Choir Music Will Regain Lost Popularity.
I go with this one every year. One of these years, I'm going to be right! "Yes, after years of losing sales to Hip-Hop, Nu-Metal and Emo, Choir Music will regain the stunning popularity it once enjoyed in the Middle Ages. Bald people will receive recording contracts and wrinkly, horribly old people will suddenly be seen on television during prime time and it won't be because they've fallen and can't get up. They'll be singing."
3) You Will Continue To See More Musical Performances On Non-Music Channels Than MTV.
Long ago I gave up on the idea that MTV would ever show music videos. But I didn't expect that my sports network would suddenly be showing Iron Maiden concerts. Just when I thought music was the kind of thing only public television plays when they're running a fundraising marathon, my local sports network proved to me that nothing goes together better with hockey than a reunited Vanilla Fudge.
2) Someone Will Make The Discovery that Today's Youth Feel Less Connected To Their Musical Heroes Than Past Generations.
What should be obvious to all of us will be seen as news by some. The fact that today's music is mostly shared through anonymous files downloaded off a faceless internet will be likened to the fact that most kids today don't feel the same affection as kids of previous generations. I'm not talking about Disney-marketed superstars or idiots with their own television shows. I'm talking about musicians who used to rely on the making of albums with artwork and cardboard you could sniff. Or at least jewel cases you could break and little pieces of folded paper you could jam back into the package. Yes, not having the same physical relationship will affect the relationship. Ever try having a girlfriend strictly over email?
1) Musicians Will Continue Dying At An Unprecedented Clip.
Sadly, this is inevitable. Look at the advancing ages. Look at the unhealthy lifestyles once lived, if not still being lived, and you've got a recipe for bad news. It's just a matter of figuring out which ones. I'm keeping my mouth shut. Everytime I remember some old musician or make a joke about some long lost hero, they make the obituary page within a week. Talk about the power of the press. But brace yourself. It's bound to happen. And yes, I'm sorry, in advance.