Y! Music's own Lyndsey Parker nailed it when she declared Steven Tyler the new Paula Abdul "wacky judge" on the show beloved by millions--and Lyndsey. I'm no expert on the correct "balance" for the show, but I know crazy!
Here are 10 musicians or musicians' friends who could get the job done with hilarity and absurdity.
10) Pete Doherty: He's still alive, right? No one can understand these moody and stoned Brits. He is still stoned, no? Chances are he doesn't like anything and would have a real chip on his shoulder. He'd be so mismatched that it would be a joy to watch him squirm each week as he futilely searches for the gong! If unavailable, contact Mark E. Smith of the Fall.
9) Ted Nugent: Ted's a natural born loudmouth and he's far enough out of touch with what the kids like that he could be the grumpy old gramps who insists on interrogating contestants for how well they can hunt and cook their own food. Vegetarians would be dismissed without cause.
8) Britney Spears: Once a teen idol, always a teen idol. No one knows who's likely to wake up one day and become a tabloid mess better than someone who's been there. We don't need singers. We need entertainers. The music business is dead. Let it rest in peace, already.
7) Whitney Houston: Can we still get Completely-Out-of-Her-Mind Whitney? Maybe Bobby Brown could come storming on the set looking for her? Are they still together? I haven't seen their own program in awhile, so like most people I assume they no longer exist. You know, just like the rest of us.
6) Liam And Noel Gallagher: I couldn't pick just one. They're like a left and right shoe that are always on the wrong foot. It would be great. The hapless performer awaits their review and these two goons won't stop arguing with each other over who mom loved best.
5) Phil Anselmo: Lars Ulrich might be a better choice, but we want the show to end on time. I figure Phil (Snow In San) Anselmo of Pantera fame could just grunt a lot and occasionally try and set one of the other judges on fire.
4) Sinead O'Connor: Is she retired again? Could we get her to come back and start making political and religious rants out of nowhere? Could we sit her next to Ted Nugent? Would they be willing to arm-wrestle? Who needs the rest of the show with potential hi-jinks like this? "You're bald." "You're the anti-christ." "You're bald." "I've got hair, you blind Cro-Magnon man." "You're bald, hippie." "Can I get another seat?"
3) Prince: The only foreseeable problem here is that, in all likelihood, Prince would not allow his face to be photographed or his voice to be recorded. He could sit behind a curtain and raise up Runic Symbols that would be left open to the interpretation of the other judges.
2) David Lee Roth: I'm as psyched as anyone to hear that David Lee Roth will once more be performing and picking fights with the Van Halen brothers. But a man needs a plan to fall back on. Roth and Steven Tyler together could be heaven. Two of rock's most chatty frontmen fighting for air time. It would be like an episode of Survivor or Last Comic Standing except we don't allow either of them to get kicked off.
1) Phil Spector: Nobody move. Nobody get hurt. Maybe, Maybe not.