I'm really good at this. Compared to the weatherman. It doesn't mean I'm accurate, but my ideas sound plausible. If I could really see the future, I'd put my money down on all those high-paying lotteries and stocks that are bound to zoom.
But here's what I see happening in 2011!
10) More Famous People Will Die: It sounds obvious I know. And since the advent of Facebook, it feels like they're dying quicker. With the government reporting that 10,000 baby-boomers a week will retire for the next 18 years, the people that entertained all those babies are likely to be approaching the death spiral. Even those younger are at high risk judging by how much cocaine was snorted in the 1970s and 1980s.
9) A Star Is Born!: We don't know who it is yet, which makes this prognostication business a little faulty, but somewhere out there is the next Michael Jackson or at least the next Rivers Cuomo! Of course, we can take the easy way out and look at what celebrities are having kids and assume we'll be reading all about the escapades of another child star. To which I'd like to pause a moment and thank Jade Jagger for finding her own talent and not forming a band.
8) Kanye West Will Say or Do Something Inflammatory: It's like that old saying that a stopped clock is right twice a day. You set your watch by this type of thing.
6) Kanye West Will Take Back Apology For Saying and Doing Something Inflammatory: Does this show come with popcorn? I just don't want to witness it in 3-D.
5) Drake and Rihanna Will Hook Up: These two are the blandest pop stars we have. They've been linked together and they both deny anything is going on. Surely, they'll see the importance of playing the King and Queen of Popular Music. It gives your career greater longevity and biographers something more to write about. Especially if you begin throwing furniture at each other.
4) Bruce Springsteen Will Begin Making Plans to Reissue a Deluxe Box Set of The River and Old People Will Go Nuts!: Bruce won't release it this year. He knows he has to take some downtime. But the first grumblings will be heard that his team has begun work on making the Ultimate Version of The River, the two-LP set that came after Darkness on the Edge of Town. Maybe he'll make an album about foreclosed homeowners in the meantime, but by 2015, that boxed set with real dirt from a New Jersey river will be available in stores. (Remember, in the song, the river has gone dry).
3) Bret Michaels Will Do Something and Y! Music's That's Really Week Will Report On It: Let's just say I have an inside line as to how things work around here (actually I don't, they keep me 3000 miles away). Just as List of the Day will not be able to resist keeping you informed about each new Damien Jurado album, a certain Y! Music Blogger, whose first name begins with 'L' and whose last name begins with 'P' (and it's not "Lance Perkins"), will keep us up to date on the legendary music/reality TV star.
2) Apple Will Release the iBrain: You will no longer be required to think or act upon your thoughts. With Apple's new iBrain, everything will be done for you. Just keep pushing snooze (in your mind) and let the iBrain do your work for you. Who's to say it isn't writing this very column, [your name here]?
1) Articles Will Appear About Music Lovers Who Have Lost All Their Music On Corrupt Hard Drives: Every year I read about the same towns getting flooded in the spring--and this was before the global warming of the past few years. And I read about the same Radio DJ and how "out there" his program is. So, the media, being like a big wheel, will come around to writing stories about music lovers, with 75 to 300 albums, who have lost all their precious music because it was all downloaded and the back-ups failed. It will force some to question their ways for a few seconds before they realize they don't really need a new copy of that Darius Rucker CD after all.