The calling from on high was clear: DO A BLOG OF LISTS.
People, apparently, love lists. It helps with food shopping. It helps with chores. It helps with remembering who your favorite guitar players are. And it makes you feel like a better person all around. If someone calls you LISTLESS, that is NOT a compliment.
In the spirit of sharing and forging a relationship with utter millions, I offer you the five most important reasons that this column exists:
To make me feel superior: I can't lie. Like a cable news anchor, I can cut off your mike, but you have to sit and suffer while I pontificate rightly or wrongly and that just feels good.
To give me something to do with useless knowledge: You probably know the feeling. The human brain absorbs crap. We all need a way to get rid of it. This is my way. Thank you for being a friend.
To justify my existence: So often we walk this earth screaming at the sky, "Why me?" Or in the case of the lottery, "Why NOT me?" I'd like to retire to my own private island someday. Collecting cans isn't sufficient. As more of a public nuisance, I can raise my profile and encourage you to begin my retirement fund, an idea whose time has come.
To be mean-spirited and all in fun: I can now call people evil names and make fun of their accomplishments and instead of it looking like sour grapes, it'll be considered incisive social commentary, provocative Blog journalism and very "cutting edge."
To make other people happy: I am nothing if not selfless. I look only to endear myself to the hearts of utter millions, to save babies from drowning, to help adults read, to move out of my parents' basement before turning 40, to achieve eternal life. This is one small step for mankind, but one HUGE leap for me. Please help.