Well, country fans, my country-predicting crystal ball is warped from Nashville's record floods this year, cracked by the gleam of all the huge engagement rings flashing in its face, and a bit confused at seeing Gwyneth Paltrow strutting around its depths (FYI--stay tuned for a post recapping the best country moments of 2010). However, I'll gamely try to make a few predictions for the upcoming new year--hopefully to your collective amusement. Please don't take these as any indication of true psychic talent!
Carrie Underwood prudently moved things right along from a December engagement to a July marriage, thus ensuring her wedding was without a shred of competition in the country scene. Now, with 2011's likely rash of impending nuptials (Miranda Lambert, Kellie Pickler, LeAnn Rimes, Shania Twain)--Underwood will up the ante and become pregnant.
That said, Nicole Kidman will probably become pregnant again, too.
Speaking of weddings, Lambert's fiance Blake Shelton will tweet some mildly prurient, "that's what she said"-type comment on either his wedding night or honeymoon.
Dean Sheremet and Brandi Glanville will be welcomed guests at LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's wedding. Oprah Winfrey will book everyone involved for a show on the OWN network.
Someone very high-profile will propose to Taylor Swift. She will refuse.
Speaking of Taylor, Kanye West will attempt one final half-assed rant about her then finally drop it.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin will move to Nashville, probably down the street from Tim and Faith, thus displacing Jack White and Karen Elson as the new hip non-country couple in town. Martin will decide to write an entire album of country songs, which he will carefully term "Americana."
Tim McGraw will sign to Big Machine Records.
Willie Nelson will run for God-honest office.
After hitting her bad-girl peak, Miley Cyrus will turn head-tail and declare country music was where her heart and soul belonged all along. Dolly Parton will defend her, fans will be skeptical, but her album will actually be surprisingly good and win critical acclaim.
The Dixie Chicks--all three of them--will be back in full force.
The American Country Awards will surprise everyone by being fantastic in 2011.
As always, be sure to: