The best song of the year is "Dear John," a country-pop singer's open musical letter to John Mayer.
Oddly enough, the worst song of the year is also "Dear John," a country-pop singer's open musical letter to John Mayer.
Confused? If that sounds a little schizo, rest assured that these are two completely different songs—and two utterly different performers—being described here.
You've probably already heard, or heard about, Taylor Swift's "Dear John," a devastating six-and-a-half minute breakup song that has been the biggest hit in the twitter-verse the last few days. We don't know the details of what Mayer supposedly did to Swift in their brief relationship, but it's clear from the lyrics that she felt used.
Meanwhile, Jessie James is begging to be used by Mayer in the "Dear John" that she released earlier this year. Like most of us, you probably missed it at the time. James' model-like looks got her pegged by the media when she released her first album in 2009, but she hasn't generated any significant hits as of yet... unless you count her having been hit on by John Mayer.
Here's Taylor Swift's "Dear John": "Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong/Don't you think 19's too young/To be played by your dark twisted games.../All the girls that you run dry/Have tired, lifeless eyes/"Cause you burned them out."
And then, here's Jessie James' "Dear John": "Dear John, I could be your wonderland/Dear John, baby, come back to bed.../Dear John, I'm bigger than my body.../Gravity is pulling me your way..."
We'll pause while you say "Ewwwww." Done? Okay, let's continue.
If you're wondering what the specifics are of the John Mayer/Jessie James "relationship," she recounted them for the press in 2009, long before she released this open appeal to be Mayer's own personal wonderland. Apparently, they had just one encounter, years ago, which ended with James ultimately shunning his advances. In an interview with WFAN Sport Radio—which was further disseminated by Fox News—James said that her would-be seducer "had someone send for me [from] across the room. He had a bunch of girls with him and he said, 'We should [all] go back to my apartment."
Once at Mayer's place, according to James' account, "We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, 'I need some tax money, I'm gonna go home now'... He texted me through the entire night while I was at the hotel room," with messages that included, "Let me tuck you in."
That would explain—sort of—why James sings to Mayer in her song: "Wanna try again/I could let you tuck me in." And "My stupid mouth said some things I didn't mean." A lot of other folks might think saying no to music's most notorious serial dater might be the smartest thing James did, not the stupidest, but she's a regretful girl.
But did she have to make a video in which she not only name-checks every song Mayer ever thought of recording but writhes around in bedsheets shooting come-hither looks to the camera as if it were John-boy in the flesh? Who thought that every red-blooded man's fantasy would be to make whoopie with Jessie James and have her scream "John!" (or "Stop waiting on the world to change!") in the heat of passion?
Still, for anyone who ever looked at the "missed connections" classifieds, here is the most blatant musical missed-connection ad of all time. And who knows? After Swift's song, Mayer may have such a hard time getting a date for a while that he'll finally take James up on her generous offer and discover she is—you know—"half of my heart."