As tonight's American Idol results show kicked off, sourpuss Simon Cowell summed up last night's Rat Pack-themed episode in a most un-Simon-like manner: "Everybody was good."
Yes, such across-the-board praise was very uncharacteristic of him, but Simon is usually right, and he was right in this case for sure. Everyone was good last night. (Especially Adam Lambert. Duh. But--SPOILER ALERT!--more on Adam later.) All five contestants had excellent material to work with on Rat Pack Night--there's a reason songs like "My Funny Valentine" and "Someone To Watch Over Me" have stood the test of time, after all--and they all crooned their classic tunes extremely well. Even Danny Gokey impressed me, and my regular readers know that when it comes to Danny, I'm not usually too easily impressed!
So there was no obvious clunker last night, no standout cringe-inducing performance that had "elimination" written all over it. Therefore, whoever went home tonight, it would be a "shocker" of sorts.
But I had no idea how shocking tonight's results show would truly be.
Being awesome, Adam naturally chose to join last night's two awesome-est singers, Allison and Danny. Duh!
Except...he was wrong.
No, dearest readers, that was not a typo. Today was not Opposite Day. The producers of Punk'd had not invaded the American Idol set. For some reason that will forever remain as mysterious as the origins of Stonehenge or the evolutionary order of the chicken and egg, viewers were apparently not feelin' Adam's "Feeling Good" performance last night, and they put Adam in the bottom.
At this point, I was feeling pretty frickin' BAD. My face was as red as that staircase Adam descended while delivering what surely should have been a TOP THREE performance last night. I made a vow right then and there if Adam got cut, I was going to boycott Idol. For reals.
Maybe it was just the Feeling Good Curse. See, back in season 6, semi-finalists Leslie Hunt and A.J. Tabaldo both sang the Nina Simone signature song in the same week--and both went home. But if there was anyone who could break such a curse, I absolutely assumed it would be Adam.
I seriously felt like I was going to have a cardiac arrest. I was hyperventilating. Breathing into a paper sack. Clutching at my chest like Redd Foxx. Quivering like I had some sort of rare palsy. "It's just a show, just a show, just a show," I told myself over and over, hugging my knees and shivering and rocking from side to side like a mental patient. "If Adam Lambert gets cut, it won't be the end of the world..."
But it WOULD be the end of Idol, at least for me. It would be the biggest, most heartbreaking shocker in Idol history--worse than Chris Daughtry, Constantine Maroulis, Michael Johns, and Tamyra Gray's eliminations combined.
Adam was safe. The Feeling Good Curse was broken. Meanwhile, Matt, the last of the wild cards, was cut--and no Judges' Save could save him now.
Phew. But that was close. Waaaay too close. What is wrong with America, putting a league-of-his-own talent like Adam in the bottom two? Results shows like this make me want to move to Canada.
America, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN NEXT WEEK. Yahoo! Music's workers' comp plan might not cover the ensuing heart attack I will surely suffer if Adam comes this close to elimination again.
- Adam Lambert
- Simon Cowell