Despite my many awesome and extremely marketable suggestions for new headbanging, groupie-banging bachelors to star in Rock Of Love 3 (read my suggestions here), VH1 has officially opted to bring back Bret Michaels for yet another season.
What, Dave Navarro wasn't available? That dude will appear on anything. Dave was even a guest judge on Comedy Central's The New Gong Show, for eff's sake! Oh wait, that's right: Dave is off the market. He's reportedly doing the unskinny bop these days with Bret's second-season, sloppy-seconds castoff, Daisy De La Hoya.
Anyway, apparently Bret and his pornstar-named season 2 bachelorette, Ambre Lake, are (shocking news alert!) no longer rocking each other's worlds. So great, Bret's conveniently available again, right in sync with the VH1 Q4 production schedule...but really, didn't the VH1 execs learn anything from Flavor Of Love 3?
See, Flavor Flav's once-great dating show firmly established the pattern of an insanely spectacular first season, a pretty good second season, and a totally shark-jumping third season. So why repeat that downward spiral of diminishing returns with another Rock Of Love?
Well, maybe VH1 producers did learn something from the botched FOL social experiment, as they're going to flip the script when Rock Of Love 3 airs in early 2009. The third season will be titled Rock Of Love Bus With Bret Michaels, and will literally take Bret's show on the road.
"This time we'll reveal Bret in his most comfortable setting: the infamous rock-star tour bus," VH1 bigwig Jeff Olde said in a statement.
"We are excited to hit the road for another season of Rock Of Love," concurred the show's executive producers, Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego. "Nobody knows their way around a tour bus like Bret Michaels, and we are confident that the audience will enjoy the ride."
Since the pressure of constant touring is reportedly what tore Bret and Ambre asunder (as opposed to, say, the constant pressure of maintaining a certain level of celebreality status by filming another season of Rock Of Love), Bret's third search for the rock hoochie of his wet dreams will understandably weed out women who can't cope with life on a tour bus. According to the ROL3 press release:
"This time as the bus pulls into each new city, the girls will engage in challenges specifically revolving around Bret's life on the road. Whether it's greeting aggressive groupies with a smile, enduring grueling schedules, dodging the advances of the warmup band, or even stepping in last-minute to fill in for delinquent roadies--these girls will be put to the test."
I've got a feeling not ALL of the season 3 bachelorettes will actually "dodge the advances of the warmup band," judging from the loose morals of some of the season 1 and 2 contestants. But hmmm...I'm just imagining how much more bouncing silicone boobage and booze-binge-induced vomiting the new ROL season will feature, now that the show will take place inside a moving vehicle...
Wow, maybe there's still some mileage, literally, in the old ROL franchise after all! As long as that bus comes equipped with a reinforced steel stripper pole, I'll be watching. So WHY isn't season 3 airing until 2009?
I do still think Dave Navarro should star in Rock Of Love 4, though. Surely Dave and Daisy will be broken up then...which will in turn allow Daisy to star in her own I Love New York-style spinoff dating show, logically titled Pushing Up Daisy or (wait for it) Daisy Chain!
Man, VH1 really needs to hire me as a consultant already...