Tiffany "New York" Pollard has been dumped on national TV three times now: twice by Flavor Flav, and once by the Ninja Turtle-shouldered Tango. But that hasn't deterred her in her quest for fame. Oops--I mean her quest for love, of course. Surely she has no other ulterior motive for returning to the VH1 airwaves for a second season of I Love New York, right? Right?
Well, whatever her real reason, New York is back in the mother-effin' house. This week on the season premiere of I Love New York 2, she selected 15 suitors all looking for their 15 minutes of fame (oh, there I go again--I mean looking for love). And while the nicknames have changed, many other things about these bachelors, and New York's show in general, remain the same.
For instance, last season there was 12-Pack, so christened for his famously rippled torso; this season, we have an even more Abdomenized contender named...wait for it...20-Pack. Last season there was Mr. Boston, who despite his blindingly white butt (exposed for all the world to see in a too-tight thong) and compulsive knuckle-deep nose-picking, did a surprisingly good job of wooing the seemingly mismatched New York; this season's token pasty-faced geek is a hapless Arnold Horshack lookalike named Cheezy. And so on...last season's Whiteboy is this season's Mr. Wise, last season's Romance is this season's Unsure, last season's Pootie is this season's mentally imbalanced Milliown, last season's Chance is this season's oddly nicknamed It, and last season's eye-candy bachelor Onyx has been replaced by this season's aptly named Pretty (my personal fave--hubba hubba!). Guess the casting directors over at VH1 have very specific, very limited archetypes in mind when they make their selections.
However, there are a few changes this season. And I'm not just talking about New York's newly, er, enhanced physique, either.
First of all...WHERE IS CHAMO??? Remember? New York's flamous houseboy from season 1? He's been replaced by a normal beefy security dude named Big Ant (no relation to Celebrity Fit Club's host Ant, as far as I know). Well, maybe Chamo upstaged the show's star too much last season, so the VH1 powers-that-be decided there was only room for one drag queen in New York's house. (Ooh, snap!) Anyway, Chamo shall be missed. By me, at least. Hey, maybe VH1 can give him his own show! After all, why should the network's string of Surreal Life spinoffs stop at Strange Love, Flavor Of Love, Charm School, and I Love New York?
Anyway, there are more ILNY changes afoot this season. Along with five bachelors selected by fans at home (viewers, what WERE you thinking when you voted for the greaseball who calls himself "The Entertainer"?), there's a new crop of contenders known as the Mama's Boys: urban-renaissance-man types handpicked by New York's blogworthy buttinsky of a mother, Sister Patterson. And I must say, Mrs. Patterson sure can pick 'em, as the aforementioned Pretty, a sort of Terrence Trent D'Arby/Lenny Kravitz/Maxwell-esque studmuffin, is one of those hot Mama's Boys! She did a better job choosing than the fans at home, that's for sure.
But of course, the most noticeable difference this season is the addition of Midget Mac, the best height-challenged VH1 celebreality cast member since Verne Troyer was on The Surreal Life. (Let's hope Mac doesn't get drunk and go pee in a corner...on second thought, let's do hope that. It made for great TV before, and it'd still be great TV now)
OK, before you PC police reading this get all on my azz and inundate the message board with complaints about my use of the word "midget," please note that it's Midget Mac himself who voluntarily uses that term, a'ight? And I for one am relieved that he does. See, I've never liked the phrase "little person" because I'm only 5 feet tall myself, which technically makes ME a little person. I mean, I'm littler than most people, right? Therefore I've always found the label "little person" to be kind of annoyingly vague. So thank you, Midget Mac, for allowing me to use the term "midget" again sans guilt!
I think Midget Mac actually has legs in this ILNY2 race. Short legs, sure--but legs nonetheless. Besides the height difference having its obvious upside (Mac "comes up to the right place," New York noted, thus searing an unholy image into my brain that will take years of intensive therapy to erase), Mac made it clear that, um, not all of his body parts are in proportion to the rest of him. Mac specifically claimed, "My third leg is longer than my second leg." (OK, that comment is going to take years of shock therapy for me to properly deal with.) Anyway, right now it looks like Midget Mac's stiffest competition--no pun intended--is the bachelor known as Wolf, who also impressed New York by bragging about his disproportionate anatomy.
However, Midget Mac, Wolf, Pretty, and the rest of the playas may already be out of the running--because ILNY2 show previews reveal that the man that got away, season 1 runner-up Chance, will soon return to recapture New York's heart. So, does Chance still have a chance? And will New York's mom try to pay him off again? If so, maybe he should just take the money and run this time.
We'll have to keep watching to see if Chance succeeds the second time around, unlike New York herself when she made a failed second play for Flav on Flavor Of Love 2. If not, the wild Stallionaire could always get his own show, brilliantly titled Second Chance. It could air right after Chamo's show! And while VH1 is at it, how about some other spinoffs, like It Takes Two To Tango and I Love Boston? And how about some Bachelorette-style Rock Of Love spinoffs, too, like Play It Again Sam, Sweetheart Of The Rodeo, and Roll In The Heather?
Come on, VH1 execs, have your people call my people and offer me a development deal here. I'm full of genius programming ideas, obviously.
Oh well, until those shows come out, we'll just have to bide our time with I Love New York 2. So keep watching this space for updates on the bad-ass bachelorette's quest to find her Prince Not-So-Charming.