Well, it was only a matter of time. Paris Hilton did it, after all. So did Lindsay Lohan (and LiLo's sister, Ali Lohan), Heidi Montag, Brooke Hogan, Kelly Osbourne, The Situation, and a couple of Gossip Girls and Real Housewives. So now tabloid-courting E! reality starlet Kim Kardashian has naturally recorded her own pop song. I'm actually surprised it took her this long.
No, it's not a cover of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back"...although that would have been awesome, of course. It's also not "Shake"--the presumed original full title of which must have included the parenthetical prefix "(Do Fries Come With That?)"--which "leaked" online last November and was initially mistaken by the entire Interweb to be Kim's rumored first single.
But the "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" bombshell, known more for her big curves and big hair than for any sort of big singing voice, has recorded a song perhaps misleadingly titled called "Jam (Turn It Up)." So...is it any good? In a word, no. In two words, HECK no. More like "Turn It Down," I say. It basically makes Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" warbling sound like something by Janis Joplin, and could probably even make Heidi Montag cringe (if Heidi was actually facially capable of cringing, that is).
The song was recorded with The-Dream, whose Love King was one of 2010's most critically lauded R&B albums and whose writing and production work for other artists includes Beyonce's "Single Ladies," Rihanna's "Umbrella," Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine," and Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body." But sadly, it seems like Kim just dragged The-Dream down to her nightmarish level. He really should have known better.
The journalists and bloggers who were so quick to praise Love King aren't being so kind when it comes to The-Dream's latest pet project. Popdust wrote that "the heavily flanged Kardashian sounds barely engaged with her own song." Crushable declared the single "laughably bad and nearly unlistenable." And Neon Limelight said: "What really kills the song are the horrid vocals. Kim coos through the song lifelessly singing about taking shots and dancing the night away at her favorite spot. Is this club filled with zombies? They're the only creatures she's courting with that monotonous tone."
So what exactly is Kim cooing about? Well, the not-exactly Dylanesque chorus basically goes something like this (give or take a few "yeahs"): "Turn me up, turn me up, turn me turn me turn me up/Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah." Catchy, huh?
Other sample lyrics include:
"I'm going out tonight, it's going down/Headed straight to the front of the line, on the fly/On the floor I can't stand still/And I'm goin' to work like I'm paying my bills."
"Rosé up in the air/Feeling good, feeling great, just got paid."
"DJ here I am/Feeling good, feeling great, just got paid."
"Girls in the building/Fellas in the club/Boys spending money/Girls looking good."
Like I said, it's not The-Dream's finest work. And anyway, with all the Auto-Tuning here, it sounds like Kim just collaborated with T-Pain instead. Listen to her musical debut below. Do you think Kim has a career in music?