"Married To Rock"
is the E! network's new rock 'n' roll answer to "The Real Housewives," starring the silicone-enhanced significant others of Perry Farrell, Duff McKagan, Billy Idol axeman Steve Stevens, and the Cult's Billy Duffy. However, one of the castmates, A.J. Celi, is not a real housewife at all, but just a lowly rock 'n' roll girlfriend. A.J., of course, is hell-bent on changing her marital status (Cult status?), hopefully by Season 1's finale. Apparently she too dreams of giant Hello Kitty theme wedding in a gaudy Hollywood castle, like the one her probably-shouldn't've-worn-white gal pal, blow-up doll doppelganger Josie Stevens, got to share on camera with Steve. But unfortunately for A.J., Billy seems to be the most commitment-phobic, wedding-allergic reality TV star since "The Bachelor's" Brad Womack.
On the subject of other marriage-minded reality stars, I'm pretty sure Steve Ward from "Tough Love" or Patti Stanger from "Millionaire Matchmaker" would advise poor A.J. to strap on her stilettos and strut right out of Billy's life. Hell, Mystery from "The Pick-Up Artist" would probably even tell her this. Seeing A.J. and Billy's loveless interaction on episode after episode of "Married To Rock," I'm honestly baffled as to why A.J. even wants to marry this dude in the first place. Is it JUST because he's a rock star? And really, if A.J. is the traditional, picket-fence type she claims to be behind her glossy Hollywood exterior, then why is she dating a bad-boy rocker in the first place? If she insists on shacking up with a musician, maybe a nice wholesome pop singer like Josh Groban would be more her speed.
Anyway, on last Sunday's "Married To Rock" episode, A.J declared that "everything feels right" when she's with Billy. Really??? On past episodes, he's left to go on tour and bid her farewell with the driest and most closed-mouthed of peck kisses. When he's returned from the road, all he's done is nag her about unfinished chores and household projects, or stray garments she forgot to pick up off the floor in preparation for his arrival. (A.J. eventually had to ask
him, "So, did you miss me?"--which elicited a pretty unenthusiastic "yeah.") He's also made jokes whenever the topic of matrimony has come up (when asked if he liked weddings, he answered, "They're better than funerals," for instance), and last week, he made no effort to adjust his tour schedule to attend Josie and Steve's wedding with A.J., despite how much his presence would have obviously meant to her. Basically, Billy just acts constantly annoyed by A.J., even putting her down in front of her friends (and
her father!). So this
is what A.J. thinks "feels right"? You know, I bet if Billy didn't play guitar or wear leather pants, a woman like A.J. would never give him the time of day.
Anyway, also on last Sunday's episode, A.J. decided that it would be a brilliant idea to take matters into her own French-manicured hands and propose to Billy, and she even bought him a diamond ring. (Meanwhile, the entire Sunday night E! audience collectively shrieked, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" in utter horror.) Truly, a stupider idea hadn't been thought of in reality television since the people at Fox decide to hire Ellen DeGeneres for "American Idol."
Thankfully, once A.J. served a romantic home-cooked dinner for Billy (it was the infamous "Engagement Chicken" recipe from Glamour magazine, by the way) and Billy thanklessly ate it while sitting in silence about 10 feet away from A.J., then took a cell phone call midway through the meal, A.J. came to her senses and decided not to pop the question--at least for now. Previews of future episodes depict a teary A.J. delivering marry-me-or-else ultimatums and Billy insisting that he's never going to change, so it's looking like A.J. may never end up getting married to rock at all.
Look, I understand that most "reality" shows aren't really real at all--that they're about as staged as an episode of "Glee." I realize that drama has to be created where none exists to keep things interesting. So for all I know, A.J Celi and Billy Duffy are the very vision of domestic bliss when the E! cameras are off, and Billy actually spends every evening serenading A.J. with acoustic versions of "Sweet Soul Sister," "Fire Woman," and "Edie (Ciao Baby)." But based on what I've seen on "Married To Rock" so far, I think A.J. ought to return that mangagement ring to the jewelry store and say, "Ciao baby!" to Billy.
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