OK, so one of the big news stories this week is that metal vets Motley Crue are suing their manager, Carl Stubner, for $20 million, on the grounds that he gave them bad advice.
Hmmmm, let's see. Was it Carl that suggested that Vince Neil serve as Grand Marshal at the World's Largest Chicken Dance event at the 29th Annual Oktoberfest in Cincinnati? Or undergo an Extreme Makeover-like transformation on the VH1's Remaking (only to regain all his excess weight and wrinkles in record time)? Or market his own budget sex tape in a desperate attempt to steal amateur porn star Tommy Lee's thunder? Was it Carl who advised other Crue members to launch gawd-awful side-projects like Methods Of Mayhem and Brides Of Destruction? Was it Carl's bright idea for the Crue to re-record an industrial remix titled "Shout At The Devil '97," hire a since-forgotten substitute singer named John Corabi, or open a massively unsuccessful Melrose Avenue memorabilia boutique called S'Crued? And did Carl suggest that the Crue name their boxed set Music To Crash Your Car To, quite a tasteful title considering that an infamous Vince Neil-helmed car crash once caused the death and/or serious brain damage of several victims?
If the answer to any of the above is "yes," then sure, Motley Crue have a pretty airtight case.
But this particular lawsuit has to do with drummer Tommy Lee's two reality shows, Tommy Lee Goes To College and Rock Star: Supernova, which the Crue guys claim had "inane overtones" that made Tommy look "incoherent, lazy, and incompetent." Oh yeah, like that's sooooo hard to do. As if Exhibit A, Motley Crue's tell-all book The Dirt (or Exhibit B, Tommy's own Tommyland memoir, featuring entire chapters told from the point of view of Tommy's penis) didn't do perfectly a good job of that already. Sheesh.
The way I see it, unless Tommy Lee reunited with Pamela Anderson for the zillionth time (unlikely, since she's shacked up with that creepy blonde magician Hans now), 99 percent of America would no longer care about Tommy Lee if it wasn't for those two (extremely watchable!!!) shows. Let's face it, no one bought Tommy's two solo albums, the last Crue album, or even the Rock Star Supernova album. (Shame, because that last one wasn't half bad, actually...check out Supernova's performance--and my super-rad interview--right here).
Honestly, Tommy ought to be kissing Carl Scrubner's butt for saving his career. So I suggest Tommy star in a new show called Tommy Lee Goes To Law School, because after he does a little research he might realize the Crue has about as much chance of winning this case as Rock Star Supernova do of getting to record a second album.
- Motley Crue