When bewigged wonder Prince Poppycock performed on Tuesday night's "America's Got Talent" finale, some people--and by "some people," I mean sour-lemon-sucking judge Piers Morgan--were disappointed. Piers actually red-X'd the good Prince, griping that Poppycock had blown his chances to win $1 million by staging a more serious and sedated performance (of the opera classic "Nessum Dorma") rather than one of his signature colorful, campy spectacles.
And while I mostly disagreed with Piers--Poppycock looked positively regal, his vocals were strong, and he did nothing worthy of being buzzed--I did agree, reluctantly, that it was not His Royal Cockiness's finest performance, not quite up to par with his china-smashing "Bohemian Rhapsody" romp (the Prince does Queen!) or his red-white-and-blue-blooded, (freak)flag-flying, absolutely dandy "Yankee Doodle Dandy" salute to America. Poppycock just didn't pop QUITE as much as usual Tuesday night...
After Piers ripped poor Poppycock apart, the Prince took to his official Facebook fan page to explain why his performance was, according to some, underwhelming by Poppycock standards, and to respond to supporters' well-wishes and concerns.
"I'm doing just fine, had a lovely time with my friends and family after the show," he began. "I was missing one thing, and Piers seemed to sense that. You see, I wasn't allowed to have a real white stallion pulling my chariot as I originally planned."
Damn. Prince Poppycock was supposed to ride a Lady Godiva-style white horse, the transportation mode of choice for real rock royalty? The mind boggles, and the heart breaks. What a missed opportunity.
"I did, however, have two gentleman in horseheads pulling [the chariot] on," Poppycock continued. "What was missing...well, the horse's other end, of course! That, my Poppies, is where Piers came in. He some how intuitively understood what was missing from the scene. What a smart little boy he is."
Poppycock then detailed the other technical difficulties that plagued his finale performance. "The moment that I got out onto the stage the sound team realized my mic and in-ear monitors were not working. They ripped open my armor mid-stairclimb and worked feverishly to solve the problem. I honestly thought I wouldn't be able to go on. They had to tape the armor shut and by the time I started singing the monitor mix in my in-ear monitors was not working. I removed one monitor but was still hearing the improper mix....I then removed the second monitor later in the number."
I did notice Prince Poppycock fumbling with his earpieces during his performance, and thought that took away a bit from the fantasy of the whole piece (but, not, impressively, from his actual vocals, which still sounded superb to me). His armor seemed ripped off figuratively as well as literally. I can't help but wonder what might have been if everything had been working 100 percent for the Prince on Tuesday. Would he have been a shoo-in to dethrone "AGT's" frontrunning princess, Jackie Evancho, or everyman Michael Grimm? I imagine similar thoughts have gone on inside Poppycock's painted, powdered head.
"I'm ready to put this show behind me," poor Poppycock posted. "I miss actually performing and recording. Not competing in 90-second snippets. Putting this act together in four days on basically no sleep has taken its toll."
All I can say is, whether or not Poppycock is the winner on "America's Got Talent," when he goes on the "AGT" national tour starting next month, he better get a Secretariat-caliber stallion pulling his chariot every single night.
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