OK, so Bret Michaels elected to let Rodeo "leave with dignity" on Rock Of Love last night, supposedly because she was missing her son something fierce and he wanted to put her out of her motherly misery. Oh, how very nice of him. You could tell this tough decision really tore him up inside, because he got all verklempt and shiz. What a golden TV moment. Really, I hadn't been so touched and teary-eyed since that time Bret performed a cry-in-your-beer country version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on Nashville Star.
But seriously, was Rodeo's son the real reason he gave her the boot? Or was it the fact that whenever Rodeo started sobbing over her much-missed child, her contorted, clearly-untouched-by-Botox face took on the wrinkled, crinkled appearance of a very broken-in, very tanned leather saddle?
Come on, let's face it, Bret may be 44--only one year younger than his fellow commitment-challenged VH1 reality star, Scott Baio of Scott Baio Is 45 And Single fame--but that DOESN'T mean he's looking for an age-appropriate fortysomething woman to stay and rock his world. Like most aging rockers, I'm pretty sure Bret still lives by the creed, "You're as young as the girl you feel."
Really, if Bret had genuinely wanted to keep Rodeo in the running, he could have either a) flown her son in for a surprise visit, or at least had her son record a video message for her; b) let her go home for a couple days; or c) ASKED her if she wanted to drop out of the competition instead of just making that decision for her. So no, I ain't buying Bret's story for one cotton-picking minute. I think he's about as fake as Miss Hooters Illinois Erin's gummi-bear boobs.
To be honest, I knew from the get-go that Rodeo would never win in the end. Sure, Bret and Rodeo may had have an "instant bond." And sure, they may have shared a love for parenting, a knack for overcoming adversity and illness, an ability to mimic Meg Ryan-as-Sally-like orgasmic moans on music recordings, and--as implied by the heartstring-tugging digitized graphics added in post by skillful VH1 editors--a true rainbows-and-unicorns kind of love that inspired seagulls to sing, heavens to part, and dolphins to leap in mid-air. But sadly, in the end I knew none of these qualities would matter much next to the smooth, unlined faces of, say, Magdalena and Brandi M.
So yeah, I saw Rodeo making those lovey-dovey moon eyes at Bret and I thought, "Man, she is sooooo cruisin' for a bruisin'." I've watched enough Bachelor-style shows in my day to recognize this sad pattern of the man never picking the good woman who's the perfect match, so I knew it was only a matter of time before she got her heart stomped on...though I am still surprised it only took four episodes to get to that point.
I'm also a little surprised, given Rodeo's emotional state this week, that she left relatively calmly. I half-expected her to pull a Dallas and leave in a huff, or maybe go nuts and use her personal-training hardbody skillz to angrily grab Bret in a headlock, like she did to Lacey in episode 3. But no, instead Rodeo left with her head held high--if a bit tear-stained and crow-footed--beneath a custom cowboy hat Bret had made just for her. And she left viewers like me craving more.
So now I wholeheartedly advocate that VH1 create a spinoff reality dating show, called Sweetheart Of The Rodeo, to help this fortyish filly find the man of her dreams. And if y'all think this is a good idea, make yourself heard on the message board below and support this worthy cause. After all, as Bret once sang, we all need something to believe in.