So this week on the season finale of Rock Of Love Bus, Poison frontman Bret Michaels--having (surprise!!!) failed to find true love with previous Rock Of Love winners Jes and Ambre--gave it another go, narrowing down his third-season lovequest to Penthouse Pet Taya and cranky girl-next-door Mindy. (Both brunettes!)
He eventually chose Taya, despite the fact that her possible ulterior motives had been suspect from episode 1--every other word out of her mouth this season seemed to be "Penthouse," and her onscreen wardrobe seemed to consist only of promotional Penthouse T-shirts. Mindy seemed more likely to be on the show for "the right reasons" (if there CAN be a right reason for starring on Rock Of Love, that is). But come on now, there was no way she was going to win over a PENTHOUSE PET in the end.
The finale climaxed, so to speak, with Bret teasing Taya with an engagement ring--a ring he ultimately pocketed for safe-keeping, until he's "100 percent" in love with Taya. (On the show, he said he only was "99 percent.") So we shouldn't assume that on next week's ROL3 reunion show, we won't discover that Bret's supposedly rosy lovelife has grown yet another thorn. Next Sunday, we'll likely all discover that Bret never got up to 100 percent, and that it didn't work out between him and Taya. And this news will probably conveniently arrive just in time for Taya's Pet Of The Year pictorial to hit newsstands.
But either way, this is probably it for Bret and Rock Of Love. He said tonight he didn't want to go through this again. The tour ends here.
So now it's time for a little recasting and retooling in the Celebreality programming department. Because there's NO reason to cancel Rock Of Love entirely just because Bret isn't involved, right? After all, there are plenty of other hopelessly single, reality-ready rockers looking for that one special skank to stay and rock their worlds!
C.C. Deville - Bret's guitar-slinging wacky sidekick is a hands-down reality superstar. Remember C.C. on The Surreal Life and The Surreal Life Fame Games? Every word he squawked in that unintentionally hilarious parrot-from-Aladdin New Joisey voice of his was an utterly awesome insta-soundbyte. So just imagine him dating a bunch of Bret's sloppy-seconds castoffs (including his old gal pal Daisy De La Hoya, if her own new dating show Daisy Of Love doesn't work out), saying, "This is the first time I'm doing this sober!" about every 10 seconds. Then again, C.C. might not stay sober for long in a mansion equipped with 20 catfighting rock bitches and a fully stocked bar.
Dave Navarro - Not that long ago, this Jane's Addiction/Red Hot Chili Peppers axeman famously split from his strippercizing hottie of a wife, Carmen Electra. Well, since this guy's no stranger to reality television (he and Carmen co-starred in MTV's unfittingly titled Till Death Do Us Part, and he did a fine job hosting Rock Star: Supernova a couple years back), what better way for this copiously tattooed-and-tongue-ringed bachelor to find trophy wife #2 than on Rock Of Love 4? I just hope he and his chosen silicone-stuffed skank get to re-enact the controversial Kiedis kissing scene from the end of THIS VIDEO on the finale.
David Lee Roth - Diamond "Just A Gigolo" Dave has never married. Some might theorize that this is because he doesn't like the laydeez quite as much as his videos filled with pastel-bikini'd bimbos might imply. But I say it's just because he still hasn't found the Ice Cream Woman of his dreams. After all, it takes a truly special (and patient) rock chick to keep up with a totally unchained dude like Roth. Anyway, it actually boggles my mind that VH1 has not yet built an entire show around this high-kicking rock 'n' roll weirdo, a guy so out-there he makes Flavor Of Love's Flavor Flav look like Bob Dole (read my DLR Q&A if you don't believe me). And it's about time that this situation be rectified. So I propose a bunch of bachelorettes compete for Dave's affections via a "Hot For Teacher"-reenactment school-desk strip-off. VH1 execs, are you reading this? Seriously. I ain't talkin' 'about love, necessarily, but I am talkin' 'bout PURE RATINGS GOLD. (Side note: And you know VH1 has to cast a bachelorette named Jamie, so when she gets kicked off and starts crying...well, you know where I'm going with this. This stuff writes itself!)
Kid Rock - Bob Ritchie (whose rumored past love interests include supermodel Jamie King and "Picture" duet partner Sheryl Crow) made a brief cameo in the VH1 reality hit The White Rapper Show. And as his star turn alongside Scott Stapp (why???) in an X-rated tour bus video proves, the guy ain't afraid to get kinky on-camera. So, now freed from the Lee-Press-On'd clutches of rock wife (and former Bret Michaels girlfriend/sex tape co-star) Pam Anderson, this eligible single dad is able to gleefully search for the Pamela clone of his rock 'n' roll dreams on a show potentially titled Kid Rock Of Love. Just let's hope Scott Stapp doesn't get his own dating show when his troubled second marriage inevitably crumbles. No one needs to see that.
Nikki Sixx - Darling Nikki already made VH1 history with one of the best Behind The Music moments EVER, when he described in horrifying-slash-fascinating detail the time he woke up from an overdose with a stale syringe dangling from his blood-crusted arm. (He also discussed his drug-related near-death experience and snorting ants with Ozzy Osbourne.) Yep, good times. Good television, at least. Plus, as this Yahoo! Music interview shows, the camera loves Nikki. As do many women out there, who were no doubt delighted to learn that Nikki had split with his Baywatch babe wifey, Donna D'Errico. Yes, Nikki's since hooked up with his tattooed soulmate, Kat Von D of L.A. Ink...but until Nikki and Kat make it official and tattoo tribal wedding bands onto their ring fingers, I say Nikki is still fair game. So this guy with the looks that kill REALLY needs to start taping his own reality show (suggested title: LoveSixx) as soon as the CrueFest tour wraps up. And since Rock Of Love 2 finalist Destiney has already dated a member of his side band, Brides Of Destruction, I suggest she go for a love upgrade and audition for Nikki's show, too. She could do better than a Sixx sideman, after all.
Richie Sambora - As his ex, recent Dancing With The Stars flunkie Denise Richards, readies a second season of her own borderline-watchable E! reality show about the unbearable, horrific hardships of being a gorgeous, wealthy starlet/single mother in Hollywood, it's time for Richie to get his life back on track. And on camera. He's been in the news lately for a DUI arrest last year (his daughter was in the car at the time--NOT good), so I don't suggest he shoot his own Rock Of Love series before any child-endangerment trials are over. Because any scenes of him doing tequila body shots with thong-flaunting rock babes would likely be used against him--quite effectively, I might add--in court. But once his lawyer gets him off, it'll be prime time for a bunch of buxom beauties to get him off, so to speak, on prime-time cable TV. He'll certainly give love a bad name...but he'll give VH1 some pretty good ratings! (Side note: Richie's private suite HAS to be furnished with a bed of roses. Please.)
Steven Adler - Anyone who watched the former Guns N' Roses drummer on Celebrity Rehab 2 or Sober House knows that it's only a matter of time before his long-suffering wife, Carolina, finally ditches him. Then Steven will be single again and on the market for a new enabler. Um, I mean a new girlfriend. With his frequent relapses, arrests, and drug-fueled temper tantrums, Steven might not seem like such a great catch. But he can be charming in his sober moments, and besides, this world is filled with misguided women who a) like "bad boys" and b) like the idea of a "project," i.e., a man they can "fix." So I guarantee an open-call audition for an Adler dating show would have all sorts of women-who-love-too-much (and too stupidly) lined up around the block.
Tommy Lee - No one gives better rock reality TV than another Pamela Anderson ex, good ole Tommy boy. Whether as the "Hatchet Man" on Rock Star: Supernova (see a performance by that failed but not-at-all-awful reality group here), the bumbling coed on Tommy Lee Goes To College, or Ludacris's environmentally aware nemesis on Battleground Earth, the guy simply lights up the small screen. Never mind that his Motley Crue mates once tried to sue Tommy's manager over these reality-TV deals, claiming such shows tarnished Motley's indisputably spotless image (see more on that nonsense here). Because we all know this tattooed loveboy's return to the boob tube (heh heh) in search of girls, girls, girls would bolster CrueFest ticket sales. Someone from VH1 get Tommy's manager back on the phone, now!
Eminem - It's time for Shady to find a new lady before he makes another dumb mistake and marries Kim Mathers for a third time. And as his new video below indicates, Marshall is perfect suited for the Rock Of Love role!