Which brings up a valid question: If Bret Michaels picks Jes on the upcoming finale of Rock Of Love, does that mean Heather will pull a Fiddy and vow to retire from reality TV? Remember, Heather was also on The Surreal Life once, ineffectively attempting to seduce Vanilla Ice. Will she be more successful winning Bret's heart? Or at least his loins?
Truthfully, both Heather and Jes were frontrunners from the moment they hopped off Bret's tour bus, and both of them have many, er, assets to offer Bret. But which one truly deserves to be his trophy girlfriend? Let's compare and contrast the two bachelorettes now on the major issues...
AGE - Heather is 32, while Jes is somewhere in her early twenties. Now, it seems 44-year-old Bret would be more compatible with Heather than with a woman who's literally too young to remember the original versions of the songs on Poison's new covers album. But rock stars are (in)famous for upgrading their girlfriends/wives every few years--trading them in for younger, fitter, spiffier models, as if they were leased cars. So Heather's age might not be an advantage in this instance. Besides, Jes has proven throughout the season that she's actually one of the more mature ladies Bret had to choose from. So I think Jes has the edge here. (WINNER = JES)
OCCUPATION - Jes is a hairdresser, which certainly would be helpful to Bret: He's got a whole lot less hair to work with these days, so Jes might be able to give him some decent hair extensions or recommend him a new thickening leave-in treatment, and then he could finally ditch the cowboy hats and bandannas for good. Plus, whenever Jes teases her hair she looks kinda like Rikki Rocket back in the day, which probably makes Bret feel right at home. Meanwhile, Heather is a Vegas stripper, and while that second-oldest profession has been held against her throughout the season, I've got a feeling that Bret feels pretty at home in strip clubs, too. There's a reason he had a stripper pole installed in his Rock Of Love mansion, after all, and he's never seemed too turned off by Heather's day job. I personally think Heather might win this category, but really, it's a toss-up. (TIE)
APPEARANCE - Jes has that Rikki Rocket 'do and pillow lips, which have obviously caught Bret's eye, plus there's no debating that her face is simply stunning; amid a house of unattractively pierced lips, gummi-bear implants, and wonky painted-on eyebrows, her classic porcelain beauty has always stood out. But I think Heather's got the look Bret really wants to know better. The huge, ozone-depleting, overly Sun-In'd hair; the crispy, tanning-bed-baked complexion; the Merle Norman makeup job...really, she looks like she's stepped straight out of a time-capsule with its dial set for 1986. Specifically, a time-capsule hermetically sealed on the set of the "I Want Action" video. And frankly, that's Bret's type. A fortysomething rocker still wearing full-length snakeskin coats and leather chaps is not really interested in the latest fashion trends, after all. However, it really comes down to which woman Bret would like to be his, um, bosom buddy. Heather's got the finest synthetic double-D's that G-string-tucked dollars can buy, while Jes has clearly only injected silicone into her lips, leaving her training-bra'd, perfectly concave chest as-is. If Bret picks Jes, I gotta wonder if he'll make a generous contribution to that "Itty Bitty Booby Fund" of hers. (WINNER = HEATHER)
CONNECTION - There's no doubt that Heather is in it to win it. She proved her commitment by pulling the stupidest reality-TV stunt this side of Fear Factor : getting Bret's name tattooed on the back of her neck. Not a henna tattoo. Not a Cracker-Jack-box rub-on tattoo. Real ink, people. New York wasn't even foolish enough to do that on Flavor Of Love! Of course, Bret seemed impressed and moved by Heather's act of stupidity (um, I mean, undying love). Meanwhile, he has continually expressed frustration over Jes's more aloof and cautious demeanor--her "wall," as he calls it. But we all know that men love a challenge. Dudes dig walls! For instance, Flavor Flav dumped pushover New York TWICE in favor of the more reserved Hoopz and Deelishis, and on the most recent season of The Bachelor, that soldier bachelor Andy picked Tessa, a chick who'd repeatedly rebuffed him and even tried to LEAVE to show, instead of Bevin, the woman who'd been goo-goo-ga-ga for him the minute she'd first exited her limo. So I think Jes's hard-to-get game will pay off with Bret in the end. Heather better have Dr. Tattoff's number on speed-dial, just in case. (WINNER = JES)
All right, if my calculations above are correct, then Jes is the woman who'll get the final rose, while Heather will be left with the thorn. But it's going to be close, so we'll all just have to watch this weekend to find out who Rock Of Love's fallen angel will be. Set your TiVo now!