Brace yourself, and happy viewing!
10. Susan Boyle - "Perfect Day"
Granted, SuBo is no video vixen. No one expected--or wanted--her to get down at some Ke$ha-style warehouse rave or fiery Lady Gaga bathhouse. But no one wanted to see her brave the elements at Scotland's Trussochs National Park, looking like one of the missing members of Celtic Woman, either. And the fact that SuBo received "creative direction" on this gauze-lensed, new-agey snoozer from the song's originator, Lou Reed--supposedly one of the coolest rockers ever--boggled the minds and broke the hearts of NYC hipsters everywhere. Talk about taking a walk on the mild side, Lou!
9. Kings Of Leon - "Radioactive"
2010 was the year of the Great KOL Backlash, as news of them being targeted by naughty pigeons and shunning "Glee" garnered more attention than their disappointing new album, Come Around Sundown. This head-scratching video, which took place in the old-timey South in some sort of attempt to prove that the Followill brothers hadn't lost touch with their Pentecostal roots, only alienated fans even more. It was just...odd.
8. Michael Jackson - "One More Chance"
The posthumously shot video for the new MJ/Akon single "Hold My Hand" was a nice tribute to the late King Of Pop, but this lost video from 2003 should have never been seen. The clip was shelved long before Michael's death, and now that it's out there, it's easy to see why--it just didn't hold up alongside his many other great video masterpieces. The most disappointing thing about this video was its utter lack of clear shots of Michael's actual face; he kept his back to the camera during most of the shoot, so much so that some viewers even thought he'd used a body double. This indicates he might have been ashamed to let the cameras get too close-up. Sad. This is one chance that Jackson archivists should have passed up.
7. Countess Luann - "Money Can't Buy You Class"
No, money can't buy you class. And, as this Auto-Tuned Real Housewife proves here, it can't buy you a decent song or music video, either.
6. Miley Cyrus - "Can't Be Tamed"
Note to Miley: When Natalie Portman or Johnny Weir bedeck themselves in black feathers and leotards and exhibit freakish behavior, it's cool and arty. When you do it, you just look like foolish--and you alienate your entire fanbase in the process.
5. Imperial Stars - "Traffic Jam 101"
After these SoCal dudes shut down L.A.'s 101 freeway to shoot an insipidly literal interpretation of this song, they were arrested--and angry Angeleno commuters were understandably demanding that these rap-rock jerks be locked away for life with no chance of parole. (They got double bail, by the way.) But really, Imperial Stars' even more heinous crime was the finished video. And perhaps the most fitting, if cruel and unusual, punishment for the band would be to make them watch it over and over.
4. Anouska De Georgiou - "Bad Girls"
In this fascinatingly awful clip by this little-known British pop tart, who also happens to be David Hasselhoff's girlfriend, the Hoff himself busted a move in an Angus Young schoolboy uniform...while enthusiastically lip-synching to the song's chorus, "I wanna do bad things with your boyfriend." Seriously. But hey, at least it was more watchable than the Hoff's quickly canceled reality show.
3. Angelina Pivarnick - "I'm Hot"
"Jersey Shore's" arguably least-liked cast member, resident grenade Angelina, gave music a try in 2010, with an abysmal song creatively (and some would say incorrectly) titled "I'm Hot." But the supposed "official video," which was really just a slideshow of cobbled-together Facebook photos and bad mall-kiosk glamour shots, was most definitely NOT hot. Um, HELLO! This video belongs in one of Angelina's infamous Hefty-bag luggage pieces.
2. Dries Roelvink - "Alleen Door Jou"
We're not sure who Dries Roelvink is. And after watching this, we're not sure we want to know. All we know is this guy competed on the Dutch version of "Skating With The Stars"; this Eurovision-reject-style, oompa/mariachi mess mind-bogglingly went to number one in the Netherlands in 2010; and the song's video was so bad that even David Hasselhoff would refuse to star in it.
1. Christina Aguilera - "Not Myself Tonight"
'80s rocker Billy Squier can blame his cringeworthy "Rock Me Tonite" video for the downfall of his career. Xtina can blame this trying-too-hard trainwreck, which kicked off a very bad year, professionally and personally, for the once-unstoppable diva. Despite her earlier affirmations that she wanted to be more conservative now that she was a mom, it seemed obvious that she felt pressured to compete in an increasingly sexualized pop marketplace as she released her first album in four years. And this transparent and desperate ploy to keep up with the Gagas was, frankly, embarrassing to watch. Overt sexuality from Xtina was nothing new, of course, but the iconography of her previous racy vids, like the David La Chappelle-directed foxy boxing clip "Dirrty," at least seemed unique, thoroughly Xtina's own. However, much of the imagery in "Not Myself Tonight" seemed borrowed from other artists--namely Madonna and, yes, Lady Gaga. Perhaps the most "shocking" thing about this video wasn't its sexually graphic imagery, but its lack of originality. The sad thing is, as one of the few truly vocally gifted female pop singers recording today, Christina didn't need to do this to be heard.
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