Well, it's Christmastime, and this week a few girls definitely made Santa's "naughty" list. Suffice to say that if Saint Nick has been watching these unsaintly ladies while they're sleeping, he's certainly gotten an eyeful.
First up there's Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's little sis, who shockingly and distressingly announced this week that--at age 16--she is 12 weeks pregnant. And despite the time of year, this is no immaculate conception. (This whole incident brings new meaning to the holiday phrase "What child is this," huh?) No, Jamie's bona fide babydaddy is her 19-year-old boyfriend, Casey Aldridge--who shall henceforth be named "C-Ald" in the dishonorable tradition of Jamie's former Spears-impregnating brother-in-law, Kevin "K-Fed" Federline.
Sheesh, guess Jamie is "not that innocent," either. But really, Britney Spears may not be an ideal older-sister role model, but even she waited until she was over 18 and legally wed before she started popping out little mini-Spearses.
Anyhoo, for those of you looking for last-minute stocking stuffers, you may want to grab a few Zoey 101 DVDs before they become collectors' items. See, Jamie's popular Nickelodeon show is scheduled to wrap up its third season in January with a cliffhanger episode in which Jamie's character is forced to decide if she should leave boarding school to join her parents in London...but we don't think it's going to be much of a "cliffhanger," since at this point a season 4 is looking highly unlikely, at least not without some drastic rewrites. Incidentally, that's bad news for Jamie's producer brother Bryan Spears--possibly the one great last hope for the scandal-stricken Spears family dynasty--since, according to the Internet Movie Database, his résumé consists mainly of Zoey 101 co-production credits. (He also appeared on a couple episodes of Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, playing the challenging role of "Himself," but obviously that show ain't coming back for a second season, either.)
FYI, another gift-worthy collectors' item you might want to grab, if you see it on eBay or wherever, is a black-market copy of Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story Of Fame & Family In A Tabloid World, the parenting book by Spears matriarch Lynne. This timely tome was supposed to come out on Mother's Day 2008, but now it's unlikely to be available even by next Christmas, since Lynne's Christian book publisher, Thomas Nelson Inc., just announced that the memoir has been "delayed indefinitely." Gee, wonder why? Maybe because no prospective mommy dearest should take advice from a book by Lynne Spears, unless it's titled something like What Not To Do: Learn From My Mistakes? Man, looks like Lynne has some drastic rewrites of her own to tackle.
All right, while the public was filling countless IM windows with "OMG"s and "LOL"s and shocked-smiley emoticons as news of Jamie Lynn's pregnancy rocked the Interweb, another pregnancy story--which on any other day would have been fairly big news--went by almost completely unnoticed. So we just want to bring to your attention the somewhat less shocking but still eyebrow-raising fact that 22-year-old British pop starlet Lily Allen is also expecting her first child, and the babydaddy is her 37-year-old boyfriend of only a few months, Ed Simons of the Chemical Brothers. We're not really sure if 22 is old enough for a party girl with a well-publicized, much-blogged-about unhealthy lifestyle to be starting a family...but hey, 22 is a whole lot older than 16. So since we're feeling all benevolent and Christmasy right now, we'll just send good tidings of cheer to Lily and Ed and hope for the best. And we'll also hope that these parents-to-be don't get their hands on a manuscript of Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story Of Fame & Family In A Tabloid World.
In other British-bad-girl news, Lily's occasional rival Amy Winehouse isn't pregnant, as far as we know (please, for the love of gawd, do NOT let her be pregnant), but she's still in a whole mess of trouble. In fact, just this week Winehouse seemed headed to the big house. The rehab-resistant multiple Grammy nominee was arrested in London last Tuesday, on suspicion of "perverting the course of justice" in a witness-tampering case involving her infamous, incarcerated lesser half, husband Blake Fielder-Civil (who, since he is basically England's answer to Kevin Federline, shall henceforth be known as "UK-Fed"). However, Amy was simply questioned and soon released, so she is now free to spend the holidays drinking, smoking, shooting pool, cutting herself, knocking out her teeth, getting tattoos, wearing enormous beehive wigs, slurring her way through forgotten lyrics, canceling concerts, avoiding solid food, and doing whatever else she does in her fascinating free time. (Which reminds us...let's make sure Amy's mother doesn't get a book deal either, OK?)
Well, that's it for the naughty-girl list...and for this Christmas-edition column in general. Here's wishing all you loyal That's Really Week readers a truly un-weak holiday. We'll leave you with an exclusive Christmas greeting taped at this week's final Las Vegas show by Celine Dion (who, aside from that marrying-her-elderly-manager incident, seems to be a scandal-free nice girl all around):
THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:
1) She's Also Not That Innocent - Britney's 16-year-old sister announces she's pregnant.
2) They Tried To Make Her Go To Jail... - ...but Amy Winehouse said no, no, no.
3) Leaving Las Vegas - Celine Dion plays her final Caesar's Palace show.
4) Lily, Fertilized - Lily Allen is expecting her first baby.
5) Trapped In The Bus - R. Kelly is nearly arrested after transportation troubles make him miss a court date.
6) Dan Fogelberg Dies - The easy-listening icon was 56.
7) In Da Kosovo Club - 50 Cent becomes the first high-profile artist to play a Kosovo concert.
8) Terrell Owens Not Thrilled With Jessica Simpson's Public Affair - The football player's joke about Jessica and new beau Tony Romo gets taken out of context.
9) Fall Out Girl - Meanwhile, Pete Wentz jumps to the defense of the other Simpson sister, Ashlee.
10) Bootsy's Got A Brand-New Bag - Bootsy Collins is planning a James Brown tribute concert.