Check out the videos below and try to have fun, fun, fun, fun...but you have been warned. They're BAD. Clockwork Orange-style eyeball-cufflinks are recommended to help you get through all 10 clips.
10) Countess LuAnn - "Chic C'est La Vie"
Following up the viral success of "Money Can't Buy You Class," this Real Housewife of New York once again proved that money can't buy you a decent song or music video, either. And all the money in NYC apparently still couldn't buy enough AutoTune to render this lady listenable.
9) George Michael - "True Faith"
George Michael and New Order were two of the great British pop acts of the 1980s. So news that George would be releasing a cover of the New Order dance smash "True Faith" to benefit Comic Relief 2011 seemed like an exciting development...except for the sad fact that George's Comic Relief effort turned out to be, well, comically bad. We're not sure what was worse about it: the fact that he slowed down New Order's BPM by about 97 percent, that he saturated his robotic recording with enough AutoTune to make even Countess LuAnn balk, or that the entire video took place in the clouds so that it resembled an outtake from Eddie Murphy's box-office flop Holy Man or a Philly Cream Cheese commercial. Regardless, this abysmal video was enough to make us lose faith in British pop music altogether.
8) Emii - "Stilettos"
With this video, Gaga wannabe Emii sent all potential boyfriends a clear message: love her, love her stilettos. Fair enough. But love this video and song? Well, that was asking way too much. This really is a video probably only Imelda Marcos could love.
7) Inessa Lee - "Take Me To The Moon"
"American Idol" fans may recognize Inessa as the Ukrainian auditioner from Season 10 whom Steven Tyler lasciviously called a "little spitfire." But it seems Inessa prefers to be known as a "singing doll," according to her delusionally entertaining website. "Her emerald green eyes attract you. Her angelic voice makes you shiver...Her name is Inessa, and her music style is pop electronic, with a resemblance to Shakira, Ke$ha, and Kylie Minogue. Inessa is a singing doll: Innocent and sexy at the same time," reads her wildly hyperbolic bio. "Singing doll Inessa is a complete package: In addition to her exceptional beauty and talents, she is a singer and songwriter. The world has been waiting for her!" Honestly, she could have kept the world waiting a lot longer. This is not good.
6) Kalup & Franco - "Rising"
In between sleepwalking his way through his Oscars hosting gig or guesting on "General Hospital," James Franco somehow found time to start a psychedelic band, Kalup & Franco, with Brooklyn-based performance artist/drag aficionado Kalup Linzy. Their resulting music video looked like something that was shot on "General Hospital" set...in 1977. With a Fisher-Price camera. That was then played on a secondhand Betamax VCR. It was assumed by many viewers that the new-agey, public-access-TV visuals behind His Highness's video were purposely created to look cheap and cruddy...but you know, we're not so sure. A better explanation? It's possible that whatever James was suspected of smoking when he hosted the 2011 Academy Awards was also in this video's director's pipe when this confounding clip was shot.
5) Tonje Langeteig - "I Don't Wanna Be A Crappy Housewife"
While we appreciate this Norwegian pop wannabe's independent spirit, we're not exactly sure a video like this was what Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, or even Helen Reddy had in mind when they crusaded for women's equality. Tonje merely demonstrated here that women are just as likely to make a terrible music video as men, and just as untalented as their YouTube brethren. And really, we don't think she needs to be worried about becoming a crappy housewife, because this video is embarrassing enough to scare away marriage-minded potential suitors well into the new year.
4) Rebecca Black - "Friday"
"Friday" made aspiring tween-pop starlet Rebecca an overnight sensation, earning her millions of YouTube views and instant Internet meme status. She's so popular now, in fact, that many people forget the REASON this video racked up so many clicks in the first place was its epic awfulness, the can't-look-away trainwreckiness of the whole affair. The oddly unironic video raised many fascinating questions in 2011, such as: Who is this girl? How did she get a record deal? Why is she sitting at a bus stop, if her friends are picking her up in their car? Why is she so indecisive about whether to sit in the front or back seat? If the girl standing to her right is her friend, then is that girl on her left her frenemy? Did the general public REALLY need to be informed that Thursday comes before Friday, or that Sunday comes after Saturday? And, most importantly: Is this a real thing? We're still not sure if all these questions ever got fully answered--but Rebecca's very real career is, bizarrely, going strong now, so perhaps we will find out in 2012 when she actually puts out a full album. Sadly, 2012 will probably also be a year filled with terrible viral videos by wannabes hoping to replicate Rebecca's runaway success.
3) Money Boy - "Gucci und Prada"
This Austrian MC's cover of "Get My Swag On" by Soulja Boy, "Dreh den Swag Auf," landed on many 2010 worst-of lists. And "Gucci und Prada" carried on that tradition this year by sampling, for even less swagginess, Rupert Holmes's "The Piña Colada Song." We'd assume that Austria holds its rappers to a much, much lower standard, except that Money Boy is apparently just as hated in his native land as he is in the rest of world. And the only way anyone, in any country, could possibly enjoy this video would be if they tossed back about twelve piña coladas.
2) Popstar Trishii - "Kiss Kiss"
The rather incorrectly named "Popstar" Trishii has, under the name Trisha Paytas, appeared on such reality shows as MTV's "My Strange Addiction" (she is hooked on tanning, which will soon be obvious if you watch the video below) and the Sci-Fi Channel's "Who Wants To Be A Superhero?" (her crime-fighting alter ego was named Ms. Limelight). And speaking of crime...Trishii's bargain-budget video for "Kiss Kiss" was a crime against music, against taste, and against the eyes of anyone unfortunate enough to see it in 2011. Imagine if Snooki mated with an Oompa Loompa, and then the Snooki-Loompa spawn hired Heidi Montag's producer to record her single, and you get an idea of the utter atrociousness of "Kiss Kiss." Not even the Ark Music Factory execs could get behind this.
1) Alternate Reality - "The King That Never Was"
Do not attempt to adjust your computer monitor. Do not assume that the video you are about to see is the result of some egg-nog-induced fog. Deluded Cleveland metal band Alternate Reality really did shoot an ambitious video about, according to lead singer Steve Delchin, "the legend of King Arthur and his quest for the Kingdom of Metal." The result is a video not even the most diehard Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast or Comic-Con season-pass-holder could appreciate or sit through more than once. Actually, if this video were intended to be ironic, we would say it was the most genius video of all time. Ditto if it were a video by Spinal Tap, Tenacious D, or Bill & Ted's Wyld Stallyns. But sadly, it seems like these not-so-shining-armored guys' tongues were nowhere near the vicinity of their cheeks when they filmed this video atrocity. Apparently they really do live in an alternate reality in which dressing up like Mickey Mouse from Fantasia and engaging in Camelot swordfights is the epitome of cool. Obviously, this is not a reality in which any sane person would choose to live.
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