Don't know about you guys, but here at That's Really Week we're getting really tired of all this bumpwatching. Seems nowadays if a pop starlet so much as drinks a bloat-inducing soda or embraces a new fashion trend that involves empire waistlines, every blog and celebrity tabloid races to publish paparazzi pics of her supposed pooch and declares that she's well into her third trimester. And pretty much the instant any it-girl is spotted in public canoodling on a date, gun-jumping gossip columns predict that she and her new love interest will be registering at the Right Start any day now. Really, too many people have babies on the brain these days, and it's annoying. Because sometimes there's no more exciting explanation for a little celebrity belly bulge other than a few skipped Pilates classes, OK?
However, occasionally a bump comes along that even we can't help but watch. Usually this is because the bump keeps getting bumpier at a exponential rate, to the point where even the XXL size in Liz Lange's maternity line won't adequately drape over it...and yet the bump-owner stubbornly refuses to officially acknowledge that YES, she is pregnant.
Take Jennifer Lopez, for example. For her "Do It Well" video she wore not one of her usual figure-flaunting ensembles, but a suspiciously modest, torso-concealing trenchcoat. And at recent public appearances and performances, her outfits have been so tent-like that even Mrs. Roper herself would suggest having them taken in. And yet J.Lo still would not admit that she had a bun in that caliente oven of hers. Why all the secrecy? There's hardly a scandal here: The woman is happily married, has expressed a desire for children in the past, and judging from recent photos she's obviously far beyond the risky first few weeks when most expecting moms keep mum.
Seriously, the way J.Lo was acting, we half-expected her to strategically stand behind couches and large potted plants all the way through month nine, like when a very pregnant Heather Locklear was playing the very unpregnant vixen Amanda Woodward on Melrose Place. But this week Mrs. Anthony finally confirmed what her ballooning belly has been telling us all along: That she is indeed preggers. Wearing an enormous turqiouse tarp (um, we mean gown), she made the following onstage announcement on November 7, the final night of her joint concert tour with hubby Marc: "We didn't want to say anything before because we didn't want to take away from the tour, but we're expecting!" The seemingly shocked 10,000 fans at Miami's American Airlines Arena--apparently the only 10,000 people left in America who didn't already know about Jen's delicate condition--subsequently went nuts.
Well, we can't say we're surprised, but we're still excited for Jarcifer. Congrats to the happy couple!
In other bumpy news, this week Christina Aguilera made the equally unsurprising announcement, in Glamour U.K., that she too is expecting her first child (with husband Jordan Bratman). Discussing her New Year's Eve plans (keep in mind, New Year's Eve is only about six weeks away), Mrs. Bratman revealed: "That'll be about the time I enter into mommyhood, so I'm hoping to have started a beautiful family with my husband!" What a shocker, huh? You know, we kinda/sorta got the message that Christina was in a family way when Paris Hilton blabbed, "Congratulations to the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world!" at an Xtina-hosted VMAs afterparty back in September. But still, kudos to Glamour U.K. for getting such an exclusive scoop!
OK, in other MILF news...Britney Spears is not only failing to win any Mother Of The Year awards or custody hearings these days, but this week she also failed to secure the number-one spot on the Billboard album chart. Her comeback record Blackout was actually slated to be sitting pretty in the top spot this week, with not-too-shabby sales of 290,000. But then those pesky Eagles flew by and upset Britney's nest. See, the Eagles' reunion album, Long Road Out Of Eden, sold a whopping 711,000 copies in its first week, but was supposedly ineligible for chart placement because it was only sold at Wal-Mart and Sam's Club stores (under old Billboard rules, albums had to be generally available at retail). But then Billboard made a last-minute change to its policy, put the Eagles in the #1 slot, and robbed the pop princess of her crown. Oh well. Considering that Blackout is Britney's first album after a four-year hiatus (practically a millennium in the fickle pop market), she should just be happy that almost 300,000 people were still interested enough in her music to buy it. Then again, the Eagles hadn't put out a new record in 28 years, and look how people bought their disc! So, um, there goes that theory...
And finally, another wacky celebrity parent who hasn't put out any music in ages, Michael Jackson, is also back in the news. While it's looking like Jacko may soon lose his famous fairytale home, Neverland Ranch, according to Ebony magazine everything else is "normal" in the King Of Pop's world. Yes, in his first major U.S. interview in a decade--given to mark the 25th anniversary of Thriller--Michael "comes across really as kind of normal," according to Ebony's creative director, Harriette Cole. However, some irate Ebony readers don't think there's anything normal about Jacko's ghostly complexion in the mag's cover photo: "Michael Jackson has to be the whitest person to ever be on the cover of Ebony magazine," commented one poster on the pop-culture blog dotspotter.com. Hey guys, can't Ebony and ivory just live together in perfect harmony?
All right, that's it for now, but do come back next Friday for more amusing, confusing, and downright excitement-oozing news. Until then, goodnight, and good music.
THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:
1) And The "Least Shocking News Story" Award Goes To... - Jennifer Lopez, who shocks no one by announcing she's pregnant.
2) Britney Gets Blacked Out By The Eagles - She has to settle for the #2 spot on the album chart.
3) Winehouse House Invaded - Amy's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, is arrested after her home is raided by police.
4) Roseanne Cash To Undergo Brain Surgery - We wish the Man In Black's daughter a speedy recovery.
5) Osmond Family Patriach Dies At Age 90 - But Marie Osmond vows to remain on Dancing With The Stars.
6) Tryst & Shout - Paul McCartney is spotted out on the town with a new girlfriend.
7) And The "Least Shocking News Story" Runner-Up Award Goes To... - Christina Aguilera, who reveals she too is withchild.
8) Hail To The Thieves - It turns out most people paid $0 for Radiohead's In Rainbows. D'oh!
9) It Don't Matter If He's Black Or White - Either way, Michael Jackson's still going to be on the cover of Ebony magazine.
10) Carlos Santana's Wife Quits The Game Of Love - The Latin legend's 34-year marriage is over.