Man, what a week! It all started on Sunday with the VMAs...not sure what the "M" stood for, really (Marketing? Mess? Mistake?), but that's neither here nor there. And hey, you know who else seemed neither here nor there at the VMAs? Yep, you guessed it: Britney Spears.
Dear gawd, what happened to poor Britters? It seems like just yesterday she was totally rockin' that VMA stage: resplendent in her breakaway tuxedo, in complete command of that 12-foot python, utterly upstaging sloppy-seconds kisser Christina Aguilera as her girl-on-girl smooch with Madonna made cable TV history. Good times, good times. But oh, how the mighty have fallen. This year, Brit's much-hyped ceremony-opening performance was a shocking trainwreck that'd make even the most hardened AmTrak exec cringe, as she limped through her seemingly unrehearsed "Gimme More" number with all the grace of a lead-hooved horse. A lead-hooved horse hopped up on horse tranquilizers, actually.
Many fingers have been pointed in many different directions, all in desperate attempts to explain Britney's latest unexplainable act of career suicide. Some claim her new manager is at fault, for supposedly forcing his high-profile, high-strung client to perform before she was back to her old pre-K-Fed, pre-pregnancy, one-thousand-crunches-a-day self. Some blame hostess-with-the-leastest Sarah Silverman, whose malicious and only mildly funny Sean Preston/Jayden James-slandering monologue allegedly threw Britney off-track. Some blame officials at the Palms Casino (where the awards were held), who reportedly scrapped Britney's Criss Angel-choreographed act for insurance reasons, thus forcing her to whip up an alternate dance routine at the last minute. Some cite an 11th-hour skirmish between Britney and her quickly-fired hairstylist, Jessica Simpson BFF Ken Paves. Others, including Kanye West, blame MTV, accusing the network of selling Britney out for ratings (or perhaps using her to detract attention from the overall poor quality of the rest of the VMAs telecast). And finally, many, many others just blame it on the handful on anti-depressants that anonymous sources claim they saw her gulping down moments before she hit the stage. Talk about toxic!
Anyhoo, whatever series of unfortunate events led to Britney's breakdown, it's clear the girl needs to take a break, period. Maybe we should all heed the advice of YouTube crybaby Chris Crocker and...LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!
By the way, while Britney was breaking down, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock were breaking noses--or at least trying to--when the two ex-husbands of Pamela Anderson came to blows during Alicia Keys's otherwise lovely performance at the VMAs. Some sources say Tommy (who, as of this writing, has quit Motley Crue again) initiated the war of words (and oh, we're sure they were witty, polysyllabic words, indeed) with the nemesis he later dismissed as "Kid Pebble"; however, it was Mr. Rock who landed the first and only punch. That doesn't explain why Tommy was kicked out the Palms while Kid stayed, but it's Kid who now faces six months' prison time on misdemeanor battery charges. You know, Kid Rock has a new album, Rock 'N' Roll Jesus, out soon, and while the age-old WWJD? question gets tossed around a lot, apparently the answer to WWRNRJD? is "act like an anger-management-course-flunking jerkface in front of millions." Sorry Kid, but we're totally Team Tommy on this one. After all, he knew Pammie first.
But wait, there's even more VMA fallout to discuss! Speaking of Pamela Anderson, and of Kanye West...Pam managed to tick off Kanye when, while introducing his VMA performance, she said, "One of the best times I've ever had was making out with the next performer in the middle of the desert [in his "Touch The Sky" video]...and I might need a repeat performance later tonight!" Apparently this did not sit well with the newly engaged Kanye, who thought Pam was being disrespectful to his fiancee. However, after a comment like that, he should've just been relieved that neither Tommy Lee nor Kid Rock tried to jealously punch him, too. But really, everything VMA-related annoyed Kanye this week: The Britney scandal, the fact that he didn't get to perform on the main stage, and most of all the fact that he took home no Moonmen trophies. Now he's promising to boycott the VMAs forever. We just hope the fact that he is likely going to outsell his fake-feud rival 50 Cent this week offers him a little bit of solace. Wow, if Kanye boycotts MTV, Fiddy retires (which he vowed to do if Kanye beat him in sales), and Britney takes that much-needed hiatus...then who will perform at the VMAs in 2008?
We suggest Led Zeppelin, who just reunited (read last week's blog for more on that), or the unstoppable Justin Timberlake, who--despite his having to cancel a couple tourdates this week to rest his vocal cords--will undoubtedly still be going strong in a year's time. Not only did JT win three VMAs this week, but he also took home a much-deserved Emmy for his genius Saturday Night Live skit, aka That's Really Week's alltime favorite Christmas carol with the unprintable title. (Sure, some people get a little weirded out when we go singing it door-to-door, but seriously, there's no other holiday hymn that fills us with so much comfort and joy.) You know, with Justin on such an upward career trajectory, we just have to wonder what he was thinking as he watched his onetime Mickey Mouse Club sweetheart completely lose her shiz on the VMAs stage. Because Britney certainly was NOT bringing sexy back.
All right, much like Pamela and Tommy, Pamela and Kid Rock, Britney and Justin, or Britney and the one last shred of cred she had left, we must split. But do come back next Friday for more amusing, confusing, and downright excitement-oozing news, and until then, goodnight, and good music.
THIS WEEK'S TOP 10 STORIES:
1) Oops! She Did Not Do It Again - Britney fails to recapture her past magic at this year's VMAs.
2) Communication Breakdown - 20 million Led Zeppelin fans crash web servers while trying to buy reunion concert tickets.
3) Enjoy Your Retirement, 50 Cent - Kanye West is beating Fiddy in this week's album sales war.
4) Tommy Lee Tries to Get Piece Of The (Kid) Rock - Pamela Anderson's exes brawl at the VMAs.
5) Afterschool Special - Nude pics of High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens crop up online.
6) Divorcing With The Stars - Dancing With The Stars alum Sara Evans's divorce battle hits a real misstep.
7) Justin Timberlake Boxes Up An Emmy - His SNL skit is the Xmas gift that keeps on giving.
8) This Is What It Sounds Like When Websites Cry - Prince is suing YouTube and eBay.
9) Terrorist Leader Not A Fan Of Madonna's American Life - Muhammad Abdel-Al suggests Madge be beheaded for her "Satanic" crimes.
10) Janet Jackson Has Appeal - A U.S. appeals court is set to rule on her Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction."