Britney Spears made the official transition from girl to train wreck in January 2004, when her own version of The Hangover ended with a wedding to childhood pal Jason Alexander. Interestingly, her career as a budding perfumer began just a few months later with Curious. Every year since, Spears has unleashed a new fragrance in association with Elizabeth Arden with a tagline made unintentionally ironic by the events of her real life. Her latest scent, Cosmic Radiance, the sequel to 2010's Radiance, will arrive this year with the slogan "Be the brightest star of the universe!" (It's "inspired by a star which twinkles brighter than all other stars, a star of a distant galaxy, far away from this world" a.k.a. Britney's happy place where nobody makes her do anything more than wave her arms around in videos.)
In the commercial for its predecessor Radiance, Britney breaks away from a paparazzi crush and wanders into a storefront fortune teller. But she doesn't really want to know the future: "No, thanks," coos Spears politely in voice over. "I choose my own destiny." (Full tagline: "Choose your own destiny.") Looking for the unintentional irony? The star's dad, Jamie, has maintained indefinite control over all her personal and business affairs since 2008, when Britney was whisked to UCLA Medical Center for psychiatric evaluation. If that smells fishy, check out the rest of her aromas:
Curious - Do You Dare?
Arrived: September 2004
When Britney Was Actually: Marrying Kevin Federline, firing her managers, and selling her wedding photos for $1 million.
Smells Like: Olde English 800
Commercial: Spears dares to touch a wall separating her from a hot guy and sees a flash of her future -- which includes sex and a rodeo.
Fantasy - Everybody Has One.
Arrived: September 2005
When Britney Was Actually: Giving birth to her first son, Sean Preston... and selling his baby pictures for $1 million.
Smells Like: Cold, hard cash
Commercial: A K-Fed lookalike shoots Britney with a love arrow and forces her to take him on a world tour. In the original version, a heart carved into a tree reads "Britney + Kevin"; in an updated, post-divorce version, the heart is blank inside (BURN, K-FED!).
Curious: In Control - Are You?
Arrived: April 2006
When Britney Was Actually: Watching her career spiral out of control. She announced her second pregnancy in less than a year in May on David Letterman's show.
Smells Like: Tonka trucks and cigarettes
Midnight Fantasy - Magic Begins at Midnight.
Arrived: December 2006
When Britney Was Actually: Tasting freedom. She informed Federline she wanted a divorce via text a month earlier.
Smells Like: Red Bull and Cheetos
Believe - The Greatest Freedom Is to Believe in Yourself.
Arrived: September 2007
When Britney Was Actually: Attempting to come back from all the panty-free partying and head shaving at MTV's Video Music Awards. That, uh, didn't go so well.
Smells Like: CVS After Dark
Commercial: So vaguely arty nothing at all happens.
Curious Heart - Live Yours to the Fullest!
Arrived: January 2008
When Britney Was Actually: Barricaded inside her L.A. home with her two sons. She was forcibly removed from the mansion, strapped to a gurney, and delivered to a psych ward for evaluation.
Smells Like: Adnan Ghalib and regret
Hidden Fantasy - What Do You Have to Hide?
Arrived: January 2009
When Britney Was Actually: Launching her Circus album under the watchful eye of her dad while her Twitter got hacked: ""HI Yall! Brit Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth."
Smells Like: Velveeta cheese grits and daddy issues
Circus Fantasy - Do You Make It Hot?
Arrived: September 2009
When Britney Was Actually: Releasing her ode to threesomes "3," which appeared on her greatest-hits "The Singles Collection."
Smells Like: Cotton candy and stripper pole
Commercial: Britney couldn't even be bothered to appear in this one so they used a cardboard cut-out instead.
- Britney Spears