Our writing schedule, as you can imagine, is quite intense!
It was Sunday night and deadline was approaching. Unsure of what to do, we called the Y! Music Blogger Suicide Prevention Hotline and explained our problem.
"So, you don't want to kill yourself?" said the person on the phone.
"Well... no. Not yet, anyway. Maybe later, after Lyndsey starts covering another singing competition. If such is possible."
"OK, you're in a good place. We all feel that way."
"Oh, yeah. You should probably call the Y! Music Blogger I Keep Doing It Because They Pay Me Hotline."
"Wow, that's one specialized hotline."
"It is. But they can give you the professional counsel you need. O'Connor calls them every week."
"Oh, yeah. Heck, they take bets on what time he'll call. Meanwhile, for what it's worth, you should just pick some nondescript video — wait a minute, let me go through this week's list — here we go, 'It Will Rain' by Bruno Mars. That'll get it done. Just write a bunch of generic captions for that. No one will even notice that your level of interest is nil."
"They won't? Damn, that's easy."
"It's easier than you think. You're on the payroll, buddy. Did I tell you that DiMartino rarely comes in before noon?"
1 — "And then the video is decoded for hilarious secret messages! It's brilliant on all levels!"
2 — "But I thought the Garden of Eden was simply a fanciful yarn. Something like evolution stripped of its billions of supporting facts."
3 — "Now to start in on that bucket list."
4 — Just then, Chicago got an idea for a new song!
5 — "Hey!" said Little Golden Jesus. "I can almost see Limbo from up here!"
6 — "No, no, like this. 'Lump lingered last in line for brains.' See?"
7 — "Little did I realize that — if I broke up with her — Wall Girl would actually take the walls!"
8 — "I guess it's no surprise that stye prevention and good hygiene go hand-in-hand, eh?"
9 — "But the readers would never accept captions that openly demean their lack of sophistication!"
10 — "Why can't the table's position defy common sense, like my success?"
11 — "Well, now that I've played the Fukushima Power Plant, I guess I've done it all."
12 — "'Gotta get down on Friday... Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend.' Why, this is gold; it's gold, I tell ya."