First, let me say that everyone should turn to Y! Music's That's Really Week for all their weekly music news. It's helped me sort out a year that featured 12 full months of stuff happening.
Listed below are the 25 items that we should all think about one more time! For she or he who does not remember the past is doomed to repeat it. And who likes repeats??
25) January: Mariah Carey Feeling Happy During Speech - If you're like me (and really who isn't?), you probably like when people appear "happy" in public. Why else to watch those "Real" Housewives shows on TV? Or Jersey Shore? Or any group of not-so-interesting people? Of course, members of HA (Happy Anonymous) are just bizarre and should not be allowed near the entertainment world. Who doesn't love Mariah Carey when she isn't singing?
24) January: Heidi Montag's Album Flops - It's always life-affirming when people who like prefab pop music put their foot down and say NO. It proves that not every clown in the circus is a star! I'm thinking of joining her fan club just to read about how she's unfairly maligned in the press! Who knows? Maybe she is!
23) February: Taylor Swift Sings Out of Key - Pardon me if I'm not exactly shocked. These days with all that auto-tune spreading out around like Cocaine in the 1970s and '80s, it's more shocking when someone sings ON-key.
22) February: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler Is Still a Member of Aerosmith, Or Isn't - What's always fun about That's Really Week is how its writers are often forced to deal with volatile situations where one week's news of a particular artist is exactly the opposite the very next week.
Ah, the capricious whims of the rich and famous.
I like the idea that Aerosmith think they can soldier on with a different singer. I guess if Journey think they can play Steve Perry-era Journey tracks without him and still call it Journey, then anything is possible.
February: Nickelback Beaten By Pickle - I don't remember if I joined this group. But I'm glad to see that common sense rules out.
20) March: Jay-Z and Beyonce Visit the White House - It's all part of President Obama's nefarious attempt to socialize this country and force us to listen to hip-hop music and divas until we surrender our land and jewels!
19) March: Lady Gaga Recruits Beyonce for "Telephone" Video - The only thing cooler would've been if Lady Gaga could've convinced Oprah to be in the video, too!
18) March: Big Star legend Alex Chilton Dies - It's inevitable that musicians we love will pass from this earth and onto the afterworld in the Galaxy of Zim-Gar! Considering how some musicians have had to live in this world, it's amazing they live as long as they do. It's like straight society is out to kill them!
17) March: Anesthetic and Skin-Whitening Cream Found at Michael Jackson's Home - As far as I'm concerned, we all have our hobbies.
16) March: Ricky Martin Reveals He Is Homosexual - If Ricky Martin was revealing this news to get out of military service, he's now out of luck. If he was telling us so women would stop chasing him, he doesn't understand women.
15) March: Jennifer Hudson Becomes Weight Watchers Rep - As far as I'm concerned, if someone offers you money to endorse something and it doesn't include promoting a Master Race or the maligning of any specific demographic then I'm all for it. But I did think that everyone liked her for having the junk in the trunk in the first place, no?
14) April: Sex Pistols' Former Managed Malcolm McLaren Dies - Here's to a man who knew how to sell music as well as he knew how to sell clothes!
13) April: Iconic Rapper Guru Dies - In hip-hop years, 43 used to be like 90 to the rest of us. That was until folks like Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg figured out how to stay relevant or at least well-liked beyond a few years.
12) May: Melissa Etheridge Criticizes California Same-Sex Marriage Ban -California is, like most interesting places, a mess of contradictions. But this is a straight-out bummer. I know, how about we LOWER taxes in exchange for all people's civil rights? All my years as a hostage negotiator have served me well.
11) May: Nashville Devastated By Floods - Why didn't Pat Robertson come out and blame these floods on Nashville's music scene? There was a prime opportunity and he missed it! (Or I missed him saying it.) Fact it, Nashville got short shrift in the press for their devastation. If this happened in New York or L.A., we would have read much more about it. Note: Y! Music did NOT ignore it!
10) May: Metal Legend Ronnie James Dio Dies - There sure is a lot of death in this column. It's too bad we can't know in advance when a star is born. Just another reason the music business is struggling. It takes too long to recognize talent.
9) June: Howlin' Wolf, Little Richard, Patti Smith, and Tupac Shakur Inducted into the Library of Congress - This looks a lot more encouraging than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Grammys!
8) July: Prince Declares The Internet is Dead - If Prince says it, it must be true. Obviously what we're all doing here is irrelevant since the Purple One has spoken. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Let's all go back to staring at the radio.
7) July: Justin Bieber Makes Acting Debut on CSI - It's nice to know the entertainment biz works both ways. You would think his handlers would've had him act in several movies by now. Who lost the Elvis Presley playbook?
6) August: Wyclef Jean to Run For President of Haiti All right! Whoo-hoo!!!!
Then Learns He Cannot Run. Boo!!! Well, at least he got a song out of it.
August: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler Says He'll Be Idol Judge - I'm sure the members of Aerosmith are totally psyched!
4) September: Sacha Baron Cohen Signs Up to Play Freddie Mercury in Biopic - This will be the moment where Cohen plays it straight. Well, not straight in that way.
3) October: Kanye West Previews 35-minute Video and Admits He Once Considered Suicide - Man, Kanye West knows how to grab headlines.
2) November: Minnesota Mom Hit With 1.5 Million Fine For Downloading 24 Songs - More proof that the world isn't fair. Why couldn't the music biz have sued the kids of a politician? Or the son of an investment banker? No, pick on some poor mom out in Minnesota and make an "example" of her. Ain't justice great?
December: Captain Beefheart Dies - As I write this, the year is nearly over. I do not want to have to revise this column to make room for another sad tale. The great Captain made the kind of music that made so much sense after days of jury duty or sitting in traffic for hours. His was a music of great joy bursting through the monotony of life. Sail on, Captain! The Galaxy of Zim-Gar! awaits you.