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Five Causes We Don’t Expect To Benefit

List Of The Day

Live Earth was kind of a cinch, don't you think? Who isn't on record as being pro-Earth? Look, the people looking to destroy the earth aren't going to raise their fists in the air and admit it.

There are plenty of things that people enjoy that they rarely admit to. Does anyone brag about watching more TV than everyone else?  Doing less exercise? Being lousy at sex? Imagine if musicians did benefits for the things that really interested them. I'm not saying the kids in Fall Out Boy don't care about starving children in third world countries, but there are probably quite a few things they think about more. Besides, I thought we stopped the starving in Africa back in 1985 with Live Aid. After all, they didn't do it again for a long time.

Here are five topics that musicians either sing about or depend on but for whom they won't lift a finger to raise money.

Satan: Beelzebub is money in the bank for a heavy metal band. From Jimmy Page and Black Sabbath to Mercyful Fate to Slayer to scads of Death Metal bands, the dark underlord in tights (wait, that's Dio!) has provided decades of material to these mere mortals and do you think for just one minute they could leave their Aleister Crowley-inspired castles and raise a little money for Satan Awareness?

Ladies of the Evening: Oh sure, rockers are now all married and play pinochle every night after their shows. But there was a time when beautiful young ladies gave everything they had to these greedy trolls and aside from a few nice songs about affairs and nights that changed them forever, well, I don't see musicians raising money for the groupies, prostitutes and innocent young girls they scarred for life with their wanton ways.

Drug Dealers: Considering the draconian drug laws where anyone with intent to distribute a drug can be hauled away and, I dunno, be killed, you'd think rockers would be up in arms protesting the way their "medical staff" is treated by the court system. Sure, these amateur M.D.s are paid well for their risks, but when they're caught who remembers their names? Lou Reed may have sung about waiting for his man, but he never addresses their legal plights. Free Mumia? How about Free Matt, the dude who grew it in his basement for you?

Paternity Suits: Rockers need to look out for themselves. Not all of them are rich and famous, but nearly all of them have fathered a child or three by accident. That's what the road is there for (see Ladies of the Evening). Lacking the proper paternity insurance means that a call to be on a Maury Povich DNA testing program can be fatal to a rocker's well-being and financial future. Raising money to pay off the right people, or to buy pre-emptive Paternity Insurance is the right thing to do.

Blogger Aid:  Where would these people be without people like me? People who selflessly promote the careers of people who are then destined to make ten million times the money the rest of us mere mortals can dream of? Yet, no musician will take up the cause and help us "kids." Ah, the inhumanity.

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