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Five Classics Rewritten To Withstand Time

List Of The Day

It's that time again! Time to rewrite the classics the way they should've been written in the first place. No more slaves to the obvious rhyme! No more victims of the three minute verse-chorus-verse-chorus routine! Completely unshackled by the ominous and oppressive forces of song! That's right. We re-write the songs as if Bob Dylan owned the universe. Remember that hot one he had about William Zanzinger? Man, that was wordy! Then again, all his songs are wordy. I've got an entire book of his lyrics and it's heavy. I mean, literally. The thing is an awesome doorstop. And some of the lyrics make sense. But only some. The rest of the time he's just making it up. And we admire that. (I also fear it's only a matter of days before I start writing in the third person. Help me, Norman Mailer! Help me.)

Sonic Youth - Tom Violence: "I left home for experience / Carved 'suk for honesty' on my chest / Grew up in an affluent suburb / Never really worried about gainful employment / Just wrote a bunch of nonsensical junk / Everyone thought it was really deep / Because all the critics went to expensive Ivy League grad schools / where they teach this crap and people fall for it / but it sounds pretty good with a lot of feedback / ringing in your ears."

Ramones - I Just Want To Have Something To Do: "Hanging out on Second Avenue / Eating chicken vindaloo / which considering my weak stomach / isn't something I should do / it's really spicy and make me flush / and my gastrointestinal doctor says that may be while I suffer this painful bloating / and I should consider something higher in fiber and with greater nutritional value / though he hasn't ruled out / spicy foods in total / since some aid in digestion / and can lead to feeling better over time."

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen: "For the life of me I cannot remember / What made us think that we were wise and  / We'd never compromise / but then when you write a catchy song that makes most people wish they'd never heard it / what does anything matter? / We'll probably never have another hit / since the music industry has no sense of loyalty / and if something doesn't catch on in the first week / it's pretty much dead in the water / unless you have really high-powered people behind you / and even then / there's so little to count on / but we were the freshmen/ ooh ooh, yeah. the freshmen/ that was so kool."

Joan Osborne - One of Us: "If you were faced with him in all his glory  / What would you ask if you had just one question? / Maybe something like, Joan, why don't any of your other songs sound anything like this one? / How come all your other albums have these blues tunes / and this one has a catchy little pop hook/ that I'm sure you hate / but it made you more money than all the others combined / so how much can you really hate it? /  But then it was written by the guy in the Hooters / who your record producer insisted you work with/ Turned out he was right / in a way / since it was your biggest hit / God saw it was good and made it so."

Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold: "Ba ba da da / Take a look at my girlfriend / She's the only one I got (ba ba da da) / Not much of a girlfriend / I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da) / Maybe I'd be more successful / if I didn't rip off all my lyrics from bad Supertramp songs (ba ba da da, ba ba da da) / But in this day and age / everyone's expectations are so low / that just the fact that we might possibly know who Supertramp is (ba ba da da, ba ba da da) / means that we know more about human history than 96.7 per cent of our friends (ba ba da da, ba ba da da) / not to harsh out on our friends / but they're pretty lame (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)."

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