Who doesn't like to be classified? Pre-judged? Labeled and put snugly in a preconceived box? It makes things so much easier. Oh, look, here comes the annoying guy! Yes, it's a wonderful thing to be acknowledged and loved.
Men and women fall into different categories. Men are usually rougher, smell worse and won't ask for directions. Women smell nice and buy lots of shoes. These obvious differences aside, men and women can also be broken down into many subsets. How many? For our purposes, five! Today, we'll start with man.
Solitary Man": How many old, lonely, shriveled up guys do we know who always blame everyone else for their rotten luck with women? No, couldn't be the Old Spice. Couldn't be the endless ranting about comic book superheroes and record label matrix numbers and "mint condition" whatever... While some people have horrible luck, some guys don't get the concept of a "league" and consistently aim well outside their current division. I'm sure there are women who love jobless men who live with their moms. I just haven't met them either.
Pearl Jam--"Better Man": What's this one about? "Can't find a better man." Well, really, how hard have you looked? It's been my experience that there's always someone better for the job, someone a little hungrier, a little more determined and if you put out the call that person will be found. And then eventually replaced by someone even better. Or maybe cheaper, who will work for less money and no benefits. I think we need to define "better."
Iron Man": Tough guys! Heck, yeah! Of course it would help if Ozzy didn't sound like a mental defect when he announces "I am Iron Man" and the guitars make it sound like he's spiraling down on Quaaludes. Iron Man sounds like he's ready for bed. But then the riff comes in and they blast away until you realize Iron Man's kind of lonely. Nobody helps him. "They" turn their heads. Maybe he's got bad breath. They leave him out in the yard and he gets rusty--that's the part no one talks about.
Beatles--"Nowhere Man": I always resent songs that lay it on the line and then turn cute and force you to look at yourself. Yeah, yeah, nowhere man, doesn't have a point of view, doesn't know where's going. "Isn't he a bit like you and me?" Well, speak for yourself, jerko. Maybe I have direction in my life and know exactly what I intend to do. Does it make me a bad guy just because I won't bow to your suggestion that because YOU don't know what you're doing that we ALL don't know? Very presumptuous!
Back Door Man": "The men don't know, but the little girls understand" and with that Willie Dixon had himself a song to retire on, as every third-rate bar band on earth has covered this song. And then so did the Doors! And it gave the Knack the title to their second album, the one that started the trend of people no longer buying Knack albums! A "Back Door Man," of course, is the guy who has to escape from your house when you get home, assuming you use the front door or come in through the garage, because he is watching Oprah with your woman when you're not home. The one thing I've always wondered, though, is where do they park? On an adjacent block? And are they cutting through the neighbor's backyard?