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Five More Fearless Predictions For 2008

List Of The Day

As the great philosopher-movie star-country singer-hat wearing superstar Jerry Reed once said, "When You're Hot, You're Hot." When you're in the zone, you don't question it. God just might've given us ELEVEN commandments if Moses hadn't been in such a hurry to get down the damned mountain. So here are five more predictions that you can take to the bank!

1) The music industry will be involved in a scandal that reveals that computers are now responsible for the making of most music. Yes, it will come to light that just as Milli Vanilli didn't sing on their own records, most of today's musicians don't actually play on their own records. That, in fact, much of what the listening audience is hearing is music made by MACHINES. This devastating revelation will cause listeners to become angry and confused. And cause the music industry to take a long hard look at what it's become. We're only moments away from a new musical revolution when quality groups such as the Spice Girls and Sigue Sigue Sputnik ruled the airwaves. Bring on the good ol' days, shorty.

2) The Rolling Stones Will Be One Year Older. Now this may seem obvious to some, but there were a few years in there when they actually didn't age. That's how they've kept their edge and their youthful vigor. It's said that Bob Dylan is about the same age as these guys but he sure looks and sounds a lot older. So does Robert Plant! Whether or not the Stones find a way to release another live album remains to be seen. But one thing's for certain, they'll find ways to make money off the new year. They always do.

3) Emo music will continue to meet emotional guidelines. As you well know, in order for "Emo" bands to qualify as such they must meet strict "Emo" eligibility requirements. Losing the precious "emo" tag can cost a band millions. So it will come as no surprise that in 2008 all current and potential "emo" bands will meet their "emotional quotient" with songs that are sung with full-on unrestrained emotionality, no matter the subject matter. Be it lost pets, dead mothers, evil girlfriends, or rain on a hamburger.

4) Movies Will Continue To Be Popular With Youngsters. Yes, fads like the Internet will come and go and flash in the pan music stars like Madonna and Billy Ray Cyrus will attempt their annual comebacks, but movies, that moneymaking Hollywood machine, will continue to enthrall our nation's youngsters, who never seem to tire of the novelty of seeing people prettier than them speaking words and driving their cars to Sheryl Crow songs. Is everyday a winding road? Maybe not, but MOST of them are. I tell you that.

5) Your Life Will Seem Not as Good as Others. Yes, they say the grass is always greener on the other side. But you know something? It's true. I've checked with my neighbors and their grass is greener, stronger, more resilient and has less weeds. They tend to their gardens and they grow much nicer than my weed patch. You should see this grass. It's nice! When I start to compare myself to others, it's obvious. I suck. I'm simply not as good as other people. Which is why I will spend most of this column making fun of others and their accomplishments. It makes me feel better about me. And hopefully makes them feel bad about themselves. Let me know if it's working!

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