This holiday is strictly for girls. Face it, guys, there are so many ways to screw this day up that you might as well just stay home and get plastered and dream about what might have been. Wrong flowers? Wrong candy? Wrong restaurant? (Who doesn't take their date to Chuck E. Cheese's on Valentine's Day? Sheesh.) As men, we know so little about anything and this day only provides the strongest proof.
I know that people who regularly read this blog, aside from suffering frequent headaches, think of me as a bit of a ladies man, a high roller in the stakes of love, someone to look up to. Well, I don't want to be the one to burst your bubble, so I'll just let the other readers of this fine column do me the honors with their heartfelt comments that they're invited to leave after they've read my incredible insights into nothing in particular.
Remember, readers, I'm like your mother. Even if you kill someone, I will always love you. But could you go easier on the "he's stupid," comments. Not deserving to live is one suggestion, but D-U-M-B, everyone's accusing me? It's giving me a complex.
Valentine"--The Replacements: The Replacements couldn't buy a hit. They were destined to remain cult favorites until the end. But that doesn't mean they didn't write some great songs. This isn't even in my personal top 10, but it's the context that matters around here and until I do the "Five Best Skyway Songs," well, this is what we're going to have to settle for.
"My Funny Valentine"--Elvis Costello: Everyone's done this song, but I thought I'd give the Yahoo! art department a chance to catch their breath and credit it to somebody who's had their picture taken a lot. And who almost makes me look handsome by comparison. It's the "almost" that really kills me.This Valentine"--The Verlaines: The Verlaines were from New Zealand. I may have mentioned this elsewhere on this blog but aside from my friend Tom and those guys on Flight Of The Conchords, I'd never truly encountered anyone from New Zealand. I really thought it was just all made up.
"Blue Valentines"--Tom Waits: Before Tom Waits got weird, he was a sentimental guy who knew how to break a few hearts with his sad stories, the kind of guy you look at and think, "man, this guy's a mess" and next thing you know you're handing over your wallet. In fact, you're begging him to take it. "No, man, you need it more than me." Then you realize it's Tom Waits, probably the only guy who looks like that who doesn't need the money.Valentine's Day"--Bruce Springsteen: Ah, Bruce. Tunnel Of Love has turned out to be one of his most enduring albums. At the time of its release he hadn't been married very long and everyone somehow read the record as being about his newfound love for the institution. Then suddenly, he got divorced and everyone starting noticing that these songs weren't really very happy, maybe he was signaling something else. Because once he got married again, he stopped making records for awhile. That's a sign of a man who's got other things on his mind. Who stops to write when they're happy? Kenny G?