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Five Songs Ruled By Bells From Hell

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Ominous music requires ominous sound effects. Just playing creepy chords on the guitar and singing in strangulated, herniated asphyxiations will only get you so far. That's why you need BELLS. That's right! Nothing tells the world of music listeners that something bad is about to happen quicker than the ringing of an ominous bell.

Now, I don't mean a dinner bell. That's what one of those dopey triangles are for. I mean a death-procuring, blood pumping funeral bell. Something that says "Hello, Satan, I believe it's time to go." Robert Johnson would've used a funeral bell if it had been in his budget. But back in the 1930s, they were too busy paying for running water and moving bathrooms indoors. Maybe some young enterprising gent can remix old blues songs and add a few bells. What the hell? The rest of the culture's been trashed.

(And yes, someday I will recount the best "cowbell" songs as well. Right now I have to go back to cleaning my storage unit. Good night.)

Now Five Songs Ruled by Bells From Hell:

John Lennon--"Mother": Lennon's mother got run over when he was 16 and it took him years to get in a bag and scream about it. Then he recorded a solo album that begins with a funeral bell, the beginning of the end. Get it? Needless to say, this was the party album of 1970. Not like today, but back when parties meant something.

Black Sabbath--"Black Sabbath": These guys used more of a church bell chime, rain, thunder, anything to dampen the mood. Get it? Yeah, these sloths were the kind of killjoys who rooted not for sports teams, but for the actual rain delays. Were inadvertently responsible for decades of bad albums where bands used long "wind" intros at the beginning of their albums to signify importance and great conceptual heft. Fact: your band sucks if it plays second fiddle to sound effects.

AC/DC--"Hells Bells": The first lead singer died. So in tribute the band made an album called Back In Black with a new singer and began the album with a funeral bell. Get it? And then the band was even more successful even though everyone swears the dead singer is the good one and the new guy is less good. Yet, this is the album everyone owns. And it's mostly because of the opening bell.

Metallica--"For Whom The Bell Tolls": They named a song after an Ernest Hemingway novel, which I highly doubt anyone in the band has read. I highly doubt anyone in the band can read. If they could, they'd know that Metallica is not a word. But since the song title had bell in its title, they decided to add a bell to the actual recording. Get it? Me neither. But as far as Metallica songs go, this one is actually pretty catchy. "For a hill, men would kill, why they do not know." Man, I'd love to see that hill!

Mike Oldfield--"Tubular Bells": It was used as the theme music in The Exorcist, which is a popular movie with people who like scary movies. Scary movies use scary music. Henceforth, Tubular Bells is scary. But it's mostly scary because Mike Oldfield recorded several more albums in this theme because just as successful movies have sequels, he felt successful albums should have them, too. Get it? Which is also why we have people like Meat Loaf recording Bat Out of Hell 12 and why people with the same last name keep running for President. They think we like them or something.

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