Again from here on out, I will be known as Y! and Imaginary Mick Jagger will be known as IMJ!
Y!: I thought we'd talk about the repackages today.
IMJ!: Oh, will you look, fuzzy hat is back.
Y!: You released a number of fine greatest hits albums in this country.
IMJ!: Is everyone else really this busy? I know I'm no Justin Bieber these days, but did you even tell Leslie I was open to having her interview me?
Y!: We'll start here with this album that Allen Klein put together of tracks he owned.
IMJ!: You're really quite something. I'm not talking about this crap. I don't own this stuff. I disregarded it when it first came out. I'm not suddenly changing my mind on it. It's crap. Look, best lesson I ever received wasn't at the London School of Economics, it was what happened to this band, financially, in the first decade of service.
13) Rarities 1971-2003:
Y!: I found it interesting how only a few of these tracks are actual rarities and that most are b-sides or songs that appeared on other compilation albums or…
IMJ!: Obviously someone in management thought these were pretty hard to come by, but you also need to throw a few things on there that people will want. B-sides don't sell a record, blogger-boy. Have you ever worked at real job?
Y!: Have you?
IMJ!: Ho ho, look at 'im, getting a little too comfortable with Sir Mick here. I sure hope you talk to 'Imaginary Keith Richards' on his 70th birthday!
Y!: Let me make up here with you with some….Flowers!
IMJ!: I…that never even came out in England, I don't think. They were screwing us at this point. How should I know what they were doing to you?
11) Made In the Shade:
IMJ!: Yeah (grins). OK, I did that one to you. Worthless, isn't it? What's it cover like two albums or something? Let me look at it? (Blushing). Yeah, we didn't wait too long to make this one. We had to, though. Look at it. "Angie," that crowd needed a best-of. "Dance Little Sister" (laughs heartily), good track, no? I thought it was pretty good.
IMJ!: I can already smell the old cardboard. No money in that one.
Y!: It had the first LP appearance of "19th Nervous Breakdown."
IMJ!: It could have the first LP appearance of Jimmy Hoffa and I wouldn't care. You remember Jimmy Hoffa, right?
9) Through the Past, Darkly (Big Hits Vol. 2):
IMJ!: What is it with you today? All these old albums we don't own.
Y!: There were a lot of them and many of your old fans bought them.
IMJ!: You're really lucky I'm not the real Mick Jagger or I'd walk out right now!
Y!: I'm aware of that. This was the pancake album for a lot of kids. The Stop Sign!
IMJ!: Among other things, yeah. Next.
IMJ!: More cardboard? (exasperated)
Y!: We're almost through, almost through. This was a really good one, though. It has early rarities that were really rarities at the time and even the CD adds a few extras.
IMJ!: I'm so pleased you're pleased. Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a drifter? A Leprechaun? Where's my pot o' gold, laddie?
7) Hot Rocks 1964-1971:
Y!: For many of your semi-younger fans, this was the quintessential Rolling Stones album.
IMJ!: But it can't be. It only follows us for the first seven-eight years. In your stubborn brain, this is interesting to you. But I happen to think Bridges To Babylon was a very good album! A Bigger Bang? One of three best! Exile! Some Girls! A Bigger Bang! No doubt in my imaginary mind!
Y!: But that can't be right!
IMJ!: No, you're right, It can't be (sarcastic, mockingly).
Y!: For many people even younger, this became the Holy Grail. "Who's Driving My Plane?" "Sad Day," "Jiving Si...
IMJ!: OK, you're talking gibberish. I want to see CDs with my tongue on them or I bolt. Your readers ever tell you you're an idiot?
Y!: Why, no! My readers are always impressed by my way with a phrase, my peerless insights and most of all my ability to look things up at Wikipedia in a snap!
IMJ!: Wikipedia? It's a trip, isn't it?
5) Jump Back: The Best of the Rolling Stones:
IMJ!: Do my eyes deceive me? Is that what I think it is? Product I actually earn a return on? Now this is music to my ears. Our best stuff is right here. "Start Me Up," "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll," "Mixed Emotions," "Angie," "Miss You," "Beast of Burden." Look at this!
Y!: "Rock and A Hard Place," "Undercover of the Night."
IMJ!: All fine songs, you! You must be around Jade's age? (Mick's daughter Jade Jagger, born in 1971).
Y!: I believe a little older.
IMJ!: And you're doing this?
Y!: Among other things.
IMJ!: "Among other things!" Hilarious! What else do you have there?
IMJ!: OK, I can accept this one. Some fun stuff here. I like the version with the remix of "Sympathy." New songs were good.
Y!: The new songs? People noticed "Keys To Your Love," "Stealing My Heart," "Losing…"
IMJ!: "…My Touch" (sings). "Don't Stop." You'd better believe it! We even gave people edited versions of some of the longer tracks that tend to drag. You gotta love this one. Everyone should have a copy of it! Legally, I might add.
3) Rewind (1971-1984):
IMJ!: I'd forgotten about this one. We did knock 'em out pretty fast, eh? Let me see. It's better than Made In the Shade, wouldn't you say?
Y!: The bar you set is pretty low.
IMJ!: Is there anyone on your entire staff who has ever written a song?
Y!: I'm sure of it. I know John Kordosh has been known to take a whack at it with his fine band The Tigers of Instantaneous Death. Mr. DiMartino, must've. He was in 'Your Mother', you know? I have a few if you'd like to hear them.
IMJ!: Hmmn, maybe over lunch.
IMJ!: Yes! Only the 80-track, 4-CD boxset with bonus CD, 7" vinyl, hardcover book, poster, postcards will do.
Y!: Of course.
IMJ!: You know if you could show a little enthusiasm about these fine collections, offered in so many varieties, at so many different price points for every budget, maybe you'd be more successful. Maybe you'd be writing liner notes for us! Maybe you'd be hanging out in the studio while we recorded "One More Shot." and "Doom and Gloom." Did you ever think of that?
IMJ!: No! We've already got people! Is this your song here? "Cancel the Fair, Lordy" ? "Cantaloupe," "The Wounded Calf"? "Bad Soap Opera"?
Y!: That last one is definitely my friend, Jimmy Puglio, but some of the others…
IMJ!: Why am I here with you? This is awful.
1) Sucking In the Seventies:
Y!: You didn't include "Miss You." Most of the songs were mixed or edited for this album.
IMJ!: Wait! What is "Feeling True On A Sunday Afternoon?" A ROCK opera? (laughing hysterically) Is this…are you..this is…no, no, you can't criticize other people's music. You just can't. Tell me I'm wrong.
Y!: That one's not actually mine. That's...my friend…
IMJ!: Don't try that. Your friend, right?
Y!: We were very young. 14, 15…really.
IMJ!: Maybe you have your own "Thick As A Brick?" (still cracking up)… no, stop. Stop tape. We can't do this. You aren't qualified. You are not qualified. Who else works here? Really, bring me Wendy. Please. She can't possibly be worse.
Y!: I'm sorry. Let me call for your car.
IMJ!: "Cancel The Fair, Lordy"? (absurd laughter). It's been lovely, really.
And with that, Imaginary Mick Jagger left the Yahoo! compound in high spirits. He'd thoroughly enjoyed his stay with us and we all learned so very much about him and his unique take on the Rolling Stones. We even got an imaginary thank-you card from someone part of this fictional organization thanking me for my time.
Calls to Imaginary Lady Gaga have gone unreturned.
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