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Ten Artists Of REAL HORROR

List Of The Day

Sure, The Misfits are great for Halloween. But they make you feel good about yourself. However, there are other musicians who make you feel very, very bad about yourself. Those acts are the true horror of life. They make you feel as if your life is worth less than it truly is. Let us think of ten. And write in your own. If I see my name listed, I'll know you love me, to.

10) Billy Joel: Can millions of Billy Joel fans be wrong? Hell, yeah! The question here isn't what's so bad about Billy Joel, it's what isn't bad about Billy Joel. I've said before, the best party game you can play is an unassisted-by-internet round of "What's The Worst Billy Joel Song?" It's usually played for hours and makes up for all the life you wasted hearing "For The Longest Time," "Uptown Girl" and that interminable tune about that Italian restaurant.

9) Linkin Park: I just saw that these guys had another album on the charts, meaning they haven't gone away yet. That is the true evil: one that is relentless and always moving forward.

8) Michael Buble: I caught him on PBS one night and had no idea who he was, but I saw lots of people enjoying his manhandling of songs I once really liked. I was planning on liking those songs for a long time and now I have to rethink things all because this poor man's Harry Connick, Jr. (who is like a poor man's Frank Sinatra, who is a poor man's Vic Damone, who is a poor man's Dean Martin) had to come along and be encouraged. Stop the madness!

7) Kansas: Oh, I know they can "play." I'm sure Satan can "read." It doesn't mean that we shouldn't discriminate. I've never made it to the end of one of their songs, never mind an album, without falling asleep or finding something else to do. Had they gone gently into that mediocre night, I might have been OK with them. Kind of how I'm OK with ELP, since they eventually turned into Emerson, Lake and Powell, LLC. But to persist as "Kansas" past the expiration date so clearly marked on top of the carton? Forget it. This means war. I'm bringing my mom!

6) Journey: I know a whole new generation loves them for "Don't Stop Believin'," but they could've been great and obscure had they just let Gregg Rolie jazz-rock the night away. But, no, Steve Perry shows up and it's like New Jersey has been set to music. It's like I can't even move away.

5) Phil Collins: We discussed before here how much Phil sucks. His latest collection of Motown covers just adds more crap to the pile. We should've stopped him while we had a chance. Or at least paid radio NOT to play him. Come on, people, let's take our music "back." On second thought, let's order pizza instead!

4) Little River Band: Maybe Will Ferrell thinks these guys are important in a lame-but-funny way — and maybe they are — but I think they're too boring to be a joke. Kind of like if you put this very column to music. Don't try it. It's been done.

3) Jack Johnson: I didn't always think this guy was the devil, but just before Saturday Night Live began noticing him, I began thinking he was making me awfully sleepy. I was going to give this slot to Jimmy Buffett, but he'll be dead sooner. Jack Johnson, by all actuary tables, should be with us for decades. I have friends in Hawaii! Help them!

2) Michael Bolton: Fish in a barrel, I know, but that doesn't mean he isn't terrible. The man is a walking hernia. He makes everyone around him worse. Children have become ill just seeing his likeness. Children! Men become unable to reproduce. Crazy women get excited. Can't Oprah do something about this?

1) Kenny G: He makes music that sounds like someone else told him what music sounded like and he never actually heard the real thing. The stupid smile makes it even more vacuous. When the devil comes to visit us, he will wear a smile and offer lower taxes, I'm sure. Or just more crappy sax playing.

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