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Twenty-Five “Deluxe Albums” That Need To Exist

List Of The Day

With everyone issuing a "deluxe edition" of a record they once made, it almost makes you nostalgic for the days when everyone rushed to pay tribute to anyone who ever made a record. (Recently, I've noticed them coming back into vogue, too, with Buddy Holly topping the list.

But as the list of expanded, deluxe and anniversary editions of albums grows ridiculously long, let me suppose a few Deluxe Editions that people would actually want.

Watching DVDs of the making of some record that wasn't all that interesting in the first place sounds like a real winner, but I'm here to tell you that we shouldn't have to stand for such things. Deluxe should mean Deluxe!

25) Nirvana - Nevermind: The 20th Anniversary Edition is coming this September with boombox demos and live stuff, but what would really make the reissue worth the money would be a DVD of Kurt sleeping and being pushed around in that wheelchair, a book about dysfunctional relationships, and a Cobain-approved cardigan sweater.

24) R.E.M. - Out of Time: Should come with a lock of Michael Stipe's hair. Or did he donate it to science?

23) Pavement - Westing (By Musket & Sextant): Should be released on cassette, a 4-track cassette, so you can mix it yourself.

22) Pearl Jam - Ten: One of Eddie's old flannel shirts. And all the court papers regarding their fight with TicketMaster.

21) Ozzy Osbourne - Blizzard of Ozz: A bonus CD of Ozzy shouting "Sharonnnnnn" for an hour. And a bat with a bitemark taken out of it.

20) Tupac Shakur - Me Against The World: Album should come a lifetime subscription to receive all future Shakur releases of unreleased material.

19) The Doors - L.A. Woman: The word is out that the final Doors album, with Mojo Rising, will now be reissued this fall with a bonus disc of various alternate takes of songs from the album. The Doors don't have too much extra studio stuff otherwise. Personally, I think the album should come with a promise of a phone call from Ray thanking you

18) N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton: Upon purchase your name is put in a lottery for a random drive-by shooting. Hospital / funeral expenses are your own. Gotta keep it real, you know?

17) Jeff Buckley - Grace: They keep releasing his stuff with more outtakes and whatever, but what fans want - female fans, in particular - are more photos. And if possible, dirty phone messages from Jeff. Did he do that kind of stuff?

16) RUSH - 2112: Neil Peart's annotated copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. One of Peart's drums (he has so many, surely he can spare one.) And a bottle of helium so you, too, can sing along like Geddy Lee.

15) Van Halen - Fair Warning: Daily harassing phone calls from David Lee Roth. C'mon Dave, give us a break!

14) Stone Temple Pilots - Core: An "opportunity" to house Scott Weiland.

13) Public Enemy - It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back: A Flavor Flav clock, a date with Flavor Flav and a screeching tea pot whistle.

12) Madonna - Like A Virgin: A voucher for phone sex with the Material Girl.

11) Motorhead - No Remorse: A free hearing test

10) Jimi Hendrix - Electric Ladyland: Copies of all the litigation between the Hendrix estate and everyone else to get the damn rights back. Comes in its own Jimi Hendrix filing cabinet.

9) Metallica - Master of Puppets: Cash-op machine that charges you for each and every play of a track.

8) Dr. Dre - The Chronic: Album should come with medical marijuana. Available only by prescription.

7) Arcade Fire - The Suburbs: Free Canadian health insurance.

6) Jay-Z - Reasonable Doubt: Shares in one of the many companies he owns. Invest alongside Jay-Z.

5) Enimem - The Slim Shady LP: A song written specifically for you telling how exactly he hates you and a chance to sit in on therapy sessions with his daughter.

4) The Rolling Stones - Some Girls: Nothing. These chintzy bastards are never going to revamp their catalog for real.

3) Adele - 21: An opportunity to date and dump her, so we get another great album.

2) Derek and the Dominos - Layla: This album has gotten a Deluxe issue and a Super Deluxe issue, but it doesn't ever give us what we really want. Which would be naked pictures of Patti Boyd and jars of Eric Clapton's tears.

1) U2's - Achtung Baby: A pair of Bono's Fly glasses.  Which actually they are issuing with the new "Uber" Deluxe Edition that also comes with five clear-vinyl 7" singles, sixteen art prints, an 82-page hard-bound book, a copy of Propaganda Magazine, four badges, a sticker sheet, four DVDs , b-sides, alternate takes and a copy of Zooropa, since they figure no one would buy it otherwise.

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