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Twenty-Five Unsexy Rockers

List Of The Day

VH-1 may count down the most sexiest rockers--and that's a hard job, considering the fact that most rockers were about the sex--but List Of The Day considers it far more important to remember the Unsexy Rockers.

This doesn't mean that the rockers in question aren't sexy to someone. It also isn't an insult, sometimes. Some music is deliberately based on something other than the libidinous howl of someone like Jim Morrison or Madonna. See? In this paragraph, some things add up to more than their somes!

Anyhow.

Here they are!

25) Jam Bands: I've been told by several women I quizzed--after all, women are a much better judge of sexiness than me--that jam bands, for the most part, feature the most amount of lame looking dudes. They look like they'd rather be living up in the mountains making love to moose. Or writing this blog. For the record, the only men I'm sure are good looking are: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.

24) They Might Be Giants: Dorky cleverness is appealing to other guys who know they won't be dating anyone anytime soon. At least these guys were relatively tuneful and constantly reminded me that Istanbul was once called Constantinople.

23) My Morning Jacket: As someone who sports a beard and likes women with beards, I find it odd that women, for the most part, don't dig the whole beard look. Thankfully, my fab g-friend is a contrarian!

22) Peter Gabriel: I'm sure there are plenty of women who find Peter Gabriel sexy. (And probably more than a few guys). But his music does not depend on sexiness to make its point. It's much deeper than just some grind and bump. It requires you to think! Usually this is a terrible idea, but Gabriel designs sets that are very, very expensive.

21) Bob Dylan: There was a time in the mid-60s when Bob Dylan was pretty damn amazing looking. A poet on fire. But anyone who originally bases their career on songs about civil rights is more likely to end up the centerfold at The Nation. And they don't have centerfolds, or do they?

20) Daniel Johnston: Anyone who hasn't watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston owes it to him/herself to see it. Only Kathy McCarty has ever been listed as Daniel's "girlfriend" and it was in quotes.

19) Randy Newman: Randy Newman never looked like a rock star. Even in the Kiss-like makeup on the cover of Born Again. Why is it that girls can wear glasses and look sexy and smart and guys just look like they're even bigger nerds? Life isn't fair. Buy yourself a car and feel better.

18) Pere Ubu: When your leading man is rather large and the rest of the band look like they've never been in the sunlight and together you play music that sounds like it's trying to alienate at least half of humanity, is it any wonder that there are few women willing to give it a chance?

17) Jonathan Richman: I suppose Jonathan has boyish charm. But he sounds like the world's oldest virgin on these records. Even when he sings about his wife it sounds like he's singing about someone who only lets him visit every other Thursday.

16) Billy Joel: He always looked like a guy who had just lost a fight, but now he looks like your disgustingly old uncle who lost many fights.

15) David Byrne: As much as I love the first four Talking Heads albums, I tend to be indifferent to every thing after that period. Byrne is sexless and his music sounds like he stole it from a parade. Yet, I try to like it, if only for Eno's sake.

14) Kimya Dawson: When someone is stuck in childhood, it's hard to feel anything but dirty if you look at them the wrong way. Let her have her playground.

13) Guided By Voices: They recorded a zillion songs and Robert Pollard continues to record about six albums a year, but these boys were always meant for the Dayton garage with the bar in it. Let their wives find them sexy.

12) Robert Fripp: Serious musicians don't have to be sexy. It's another reason why they never get the magazine covers. Blondie? Yes. King Crimson? No.

11) Matisyahu: I'm sure somewhere there are some very nice young Jewish girls who love this Hasidic Rapper. I'm not so crazy about musicians who look like the salesman who sold me my camera.

10) Jerry Garcia: Hippie icon, Jerry was always more like the dad you wished you had than the guy anyone wanted to screw. Right? Please tell me I'm right.

9) Gene Simmons: All that money and he still has a face that only Shannon Tweed could love. Even his kids look a little grossed out by him. No wonder his fans begged him to put the makeup back on.

8) Mick Mars: Ladies love Tommy Lee. They dig Vince Neil. Some even go for Nikki Sixx, but you have to be pretty drunk to think Mick Mars is the one you want to go home with. He's the only one who lives up to the Motley Crue name.

7) Devo: Does anyone wish to have sex with a guy who wears a flowerpot on his head?

6) Herman's Hermits: Maybe back in the 1960s these guys were considered pretty cool. But if anything looks kinda goofy now, it's guys like this, who look like the kind of guys who would first ask your parents before doing anything.

5) The Band: These guys couldn't have been more than 30 and yet they looked like old men. These days rock n' roll is filled with old men, but not by choice. Why would anyone want to look like they came out of the Rutherford B. Hayes presidency? Why do I?

4) Ian Anderson: Maybe standing on one leg is considered sexy. Or maybe the flute is the ultimate phallic symbol. Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

3) Rush: I stood corrected about two hundred blogs ago when my female readers let me know that they liked Rush. Previous to their writing, I thought Rush had strictly male fans. But I guess some people find them quite romantic. Next Valentine's Day, I intend to recite a little "Subdivisions" and see how things work out: "Any escape might help to soothe the unattractive truth, but the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth" right, baby?

2) Bachman Turner Overdrive / Guess Who: I always thought big, overweight guys in hockey jerseys were a cool thing, but apparently it's the look preferred by dads who are out of work and have given up on life. Honey? Where are my sweatpants?

1) Phil Collins: His "music" sounded great on Miami Vice. I guess his music was better than Don Johnson's, but it would've been better for all concerned if Peter Gabriel had fired Phil from Genesis before ol' Phil got any ideas. Bald is beautiful, but this is plain ugly.

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