All around me were sweaty hotties and taut teenage bodies, all sheathed in "Let's Get Physical" danceteria wear (superfluous across-the-forehead sweatbands, liquid-lamé leggings, Kanye-inspired shuttershades, Lycra short-shorts, lobe-slitting bamboo earrings, etc.), all trying to look very, very fierce. I'm talking Christian Siriano-fierce.HERE), minus the Lindsay Lohan cameo. Lindsay is probably bummed she missed out, though. (Maybe she was standing in the line for the bathroom? Oh, just kidding, I don't think L.Lo was really there; it was just a bunch of L.Lo clonettes.) Because Hardfest headliners N.E.R.D. ("the best band on the planet" according to, um, one of the guys in N.E.R.D.) put on an awesomely intense show.
Pharrell Williams waggled his crotch like a seasoned lapdancer during "Lapdance"; simulated car-coitus moves during "Backseat Love"; yanked a bunch of bootyshorted babes onstage for "She Wants To Move" (all of whom rumpshaked so skillfully, I suspected they were professional pole-dancing plants); and
And the N.E.R.D. Army certainly heeded their charismatic, stage-stomping leader's almost dictator-like command during "Spaz"--for which they did just that, spazzing out in an insta-moshpit that Pharrell suggested they create on cue.
It was a supersexed-up show (the band convinced the crowd to chant, "I wanna f**k tonight," for instance), so even though Hardfest Summer was already pretty steamy before N.E.R.D. played,
But N.E.R.D.'s warmup act, filthy-mouthed smut-peddler Spank Rock, certainly heated things up enough for Pharrell and his posse. Spank Rock was dorkily attired like Dwayne Wayne from A Different World (with a little bit of Erkel mixed in), but this dude hit the Hardfest hard, with all the loverman swagger of a pre-religious-conversion Prince or an "Untitled"-era D'Angelo, spitting out genital-obsessed rhymes so raunchy they'd make Luke from 2 Live Crew blanch (and rhymes waaaay too X-rated to reprint on a nice, family-friendly site like Yahoo! Music, of course).
It should be noted that Amanda's cover of LL Cool J's "I Need Love" was one of the coolest moments of night--and an unexpected respite from all the porno-pop of the rest of the fest.
Toronto tecnhoheads MSTRKRFT (pronounced "Mastercraft"), aka Jesse F. Keeler of Death From Above 1979 and Al-P of Girlsareshort, kept the wee-hour party going with a galvanizing DJ set that was basically like a shot of audio Red Bull, Hi-NRG and high-BPM enough to amp up even those all-night-ravers who hadn't partaken of the fine-milled substance ever-so-subtly referred to in N.E.R.D.'s aforementioned partystarter "Everyone Nose."