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Rob Zombie Has Just One Year Left to Become the King of Shock, But First He’ll Need an Image Overhaul

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Photo: Miikka Skaffari, WireImage

Forty might still be the new 30, but 50 is, well, pretty much still 50. By the time rockers hit 50, most have settled down and mellowed out. Many are married with kids and touring to support their families, not their wild, extra-curricular lifestyles.

Theatrical industrial metal behemoth Rob Zombie turns 49 on January 12. That means, as we see it he's only got one year left of careless, responsibility-free frivolity – 12 short months in which to bend rules, break laws and become as controversial as Tommy Lee, who’s actually a couple years his senior.

There’s just one problem. Rob Zombie is not a publicity-whore or a sex machine. He doesn't hang out a trendy hotspots, throw punches at the paparazzi or get in trouble with the cops on a regular basis. Even though his art and music are riddled with psychedelic imagery, he says he has never taken drugs and doesn't even drink.

He acts like a maniac onstage and fills his performances with giant robots, fire-breathing monsters and occult imagery, yet when the show is over, so is his insane behavior. He cherishes his privacy and in his down time he's usually working on a new book, comic or movie script or watching a film and hanging out with his wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, while eating vegan specialties with green tea.

If he wants to capitalize on his last chance to become a hell-raiser before he hits 50 and demonstrate that he’s becoming unhinged, here's what we recommend:

10. Organize a White Zombie convention with ex-bandmates, Sean Yseult (bass), Jay Yuenger (guitars), and Ivan DePrume (drums) and then bail on the event, leaving the band without a frontman – again.

9. Be seen in the front row of a Katy Perry concert singing, "Roar" at the top of his lungs.

8. Record a cover of Grand Funk Railroad's "We’re An American Band" – oh wait, Zombie already did that on his Venemous Rat Regeneration album.

7. Drop acid and remake the 1967 Roger Corman/Jack Nicholson film “The Trip,” which starred Peter Fonda as a disillusioned ad man who takes LSD and experiences the beauty and horrors of life, both real and imagined. Tell the press he was tripping while shooting.

6. Post a YouTube clip of a strip poker game between him, Taylor Momsen and the two girls in the Butcher Babies. Make sure to reveal vintage Ultraman Underoos.

5. Get together with Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit to record a Marilyn Manson diss track. Put it on a mixtape called “Dancin’ Wit’ Manson.” Make every song an ode to a different serial killer except the Manson diss track, which would include lines like: "Cold blooded killer with an uzi? More like a closet fan of 'Thriller' in a warm Jacuzzi/Dancin’ with Manson?, give me a break/ A night of chess with Brian Warner, hes a chump and a fake."

4. Arrange with TMZ to shoot footage of him hitting the strip clubs with Trent Reznor and getting a lapdance from a young Russian girl, while he pours champagne over her head and down her slinky body.

3. Go on a major talk show and spout radical right-wing rhetoric, talking in third person about what Hollywood celebrities he wants to have sex with and threatening to castrate anyone who tries to infringe his right to bear arms.

2. Stop trying to put together his movie about hockey players and get a gig as a judge on "America’s Got Talent." On the show, he'll be his curmudgeonly old self, badmouthing every act that gets on the stage and telling them all to get a real job. Earn extra points by generating beef with Howie Mandel and repeatedly called him David Draiman – the vocalist of disturbed -- who Mandel resembles minus the facial piercings.

1. Get addicted to strong painkillers, preferably Oxycontin, and take out a full-page advertisement in Billboard, apologizing for acting weak, falling prey to his demons and disappointing himself and his fans.

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