Reality Rocks - Archive

American Idol Results: Adam Lands In Bottom 3, Pigs Fly, Hades Freezes Over, Etc.

Lyndsey Parker
Reality Rocks

As tonight's American Idol results show kicked off, sourpuss Simon Cowell summed up last night's Rat Pack-themed episode in a most un-Simon-like manner: "Everybody was good."

Yes, such across-the-board praise was very uncharacteristic of him, but Simon is usually right, and he was right in this case for sure. Everyone was good last night. (Especially Adam Lambert. Duh. But--SPOILER ALERT!--more on Adam later.) All five contestants had excellent material to work with on Rat Pack Night--there's a reason songs like "My Funny Valentine" and "Someone To Watch Over Me" have stood the test of time, after all--and they all crooned their classic tunes extremely well. Even Danny Gokey impressed me, and my regular readers know that when it comes to Danny, I'm not usually too easily impressed!

So there was no obvious clunker last night, no standout cringe-inducing performance that had "elimination" written all over it. Therefore, whoever went home tonight, it would be a "shocker" of sorts.

But I had no idea how shocking tonight's results show would truly be.

So Ryan Seacrest started tonight's elimination process by setting Allison Iraheta and Danny Gokey to one side, and Kris Allen and Matt Giraud to the other. This left season-long frontrunner and my personal favorite Idol contestant of ALL eight seasons, Adam Lambert, standing all by his awesome lonesome in the middle, being put in that unfair and uncomfortable position of having to choose which two he thought he deserved to stand with.

Being awesome, Adam naturally chose to join last night's two awesome-est singers, Allison and Danny. Duh!

Except...he was wrong.

People, I hope you're sitting down as you read this next sentence: Adam Lambert, along with Matt and Kris, WAS IN THE BOTTOM THREE TONIGHT.

No, dearest readers, that was not a typo. Today was not Opposite Day. The producers of Punk'd had not invaded the American Idol set. For some reason that will forever remain as mysterious as the origins of Stonehenge or the evolutionary order of the chicken and egg, viewers were apparently not feelin' Adam's "Feeling Good" performance last night, and they put Adam in the bottom.

At this point, I was feeling pretty frickin' BAD. My face was as red as that staircase Adam descended while delivering what surely should have been a TOP THREE performance last night. I made a vow right then and there if Adam got cut, I was going to boycott Idol. For reals.

Maybe it was just the Feeling Good Curse. See, back in season 6, semi-finalists Leslie Hunt and A.J. Tabaldo both sang the Nina Simone signature song in the same week--and both went home. But if there was anyone who could break such a curse, I absolutely assumed it would be Adam.

But then...Kris was sent back to safety. Meaning the bottom two were...Matt and ADAM.

I seriously felt like I was going to have a cardiac arrest. I was hyperventilating. Breathing into a paper sack. Clutching at my chest like Redd Foxx. Quivering like I had some sort of rare palsy. "It's just a show, just a show, just a show," I told myself over and over, hugging my knees and shivering and rocking from side to side like a mental patient. "If Adam Lambert gets cut, it won't be the end of the world..."

But it WOULD be the end of Idol, at least for me. It would be the biggest, most heartbreaking shocker in Idol history--worse than Chris Daughtry, Constantine Maroulis, Michael Johns, and Tamyra Gray's eliminations combined.

So the time-killing filler performances by Taylor Hicks and Jamie Foxx seemed to go on for, like, 18 hours, everything running in agonizing underwater slo-mo while I awaited Adam's fate. And then, finally, Ryan Seacrest delivered the news...

Adam was safe. The Feeling Good Curse was broken. Meanwhile, Matt, the last of the wild cards, was cut--and no Judges' Save could save him now.

Phew. But that was close. Waaaay too close. What is wrong with America, putting a league-of-his-own talent like Adam in the bottom two? Results shows like this make me want to move to Canada.

America, DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN NEXT WEEK. Yahoo! Music's workers' comp plan might not cover the ensuing heart attack I will surely suffer if Adam comes this close to elimination again.

Luckily, next week is Rock 'N' Roll Week (with special guest Slash!), so Adam definitely will have the edge...but tonight proved that no one is ever safe. No spot in the finale is ever guaranteed, not even for Adam. So rock the vote next week, Lambert fans!

Parker out.

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